I've found myself addicted to many things that have hurt me spiritually, but with the help of an AMAZING God, a WONDERFUL husband, and a few good friends I am overcoming. I have what some people call an addictive personality, and I have heard it said that when one addiction is given up it can be quickly replaced with the next best thing that comes along...all I can say is I HOPE SO.
In the gospels, Jesus tells Satan, while He is being tempted in the wilderness, while fasting, that man does not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God. WHAT? I used to think that was a passage only for the ultra religious people, because just being honest, my body needs food. Sometimes I felt bad about admitting my body's need for food...who are the people who can just live by God's word? God must REALLY like these people, I used to think ( perverse views of God destroy you).
I wrote Deuteronomy 8:2-5 down in my journal about a month ago, and I found a blank page next to it. This passage obviously stood out to me, but looking back, I must not have known why it stood out, because I couldn't write anything down. I reread it today, and immediately I saw
"He fed you with manna...so that you would learn that men and women don't live by bread alone; we live by every word that comes from God's mouth."
I noticed today, that God provided the Israelites with tangible food, to feed their mortal stomachs, all the while making the point that we don't live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from God's mouth.
The point I hear him making to me is...yes, I know your human body needs tangible food...I made you. Remember? I want you to realize that you don't live by tangible food...you live by me...don't fear when the food isn't there...depend on me...and I will provide you with the tangible food your stomach needs to survive. In other words...don't fear when the money for Africa isn't showing up...you don't need the money...you need me. I know you need the money to get over there...I created the world you live in...and I know how it works. Still, don't fear the lack of money...fear me...I can get you the money you need...by speaking it into being...I am God!!!!!
I get this feeling that God wants me to depend on Him for everything, and as I learn that dependence...REALLY learn it...I will see AMAZING things...and so will you.
In my last post, I wrote that I was in a state of uncomfortable limbo. I know there is a long term calling on my life, and that of my family's, to live indefinitely in Africa. Right now, though, as my family waits on God's timing for Africa, there has arisen a calling, so to speak, right where I am at. I feel like I have become a pain magnet. Everywhere I go I find hurting people who need someone to confide in, and I become their confidant, and later their intercessor. When I find myself in this situation, I feel led by the Holy Spirit, to start talking about my recent "conversion". He wants me to tell people what He has done for me. I am not used to talking about God as if He is knowable in this life time, until now, I was sure He wasn't. I knew I believed in God, but we didn't have a relationship. We didn't talk, I didn't ask Him for His opinion. I didn't seek God out. I didn't understand how knowable He could be. Since God called me out in October, my opinions about Him have changed. God told me He couldn't use me like this, and He has been pushing, nudging, and talking to me ever since. I know it is God because when I listen to His voice, and I follow His lead...things happen. Amazing things happen.
It is scary to be God's fool. It doesn't look right to other people, and a lot of the time it is not comfortable. I continually second guess God when He prompts me to tell my story. "Really?" I say. "Here?" "Now?" It always amazes me how right He is. Everyone that I have shared with, has expressed a craving for God to become that real for them. My story doesn't fix anything for them. In fact, I find that it stirs up questions I can't answer. I'm uncomfortable when God leads me to a place with no answers. My head tells me to trust the Holy Spirit, but my heart wonders why He left me hanging. Many people ask me, how our support is coming a long...and right now there is not much to report. We are literally waiting on God to open doors. It is uncomfortable, and it goes against everything I have ever been taught. Dependence on God is scary, because you give up your control. My mind knows that God's timing is perfect, but reassuring my heart that He is still around, when His timing is not immediate is more difficult. I am finding it hard to surrender control indefinitely. I am finding it hard to trust Him all the time.
He always comes through for me though. After I posted, on Friday, about feeling uncomfortable, and being in limbo I opened my Bible, and read Joshua 3 verse 4
"When you see the Covenant-Chest of God, your God, carried by the Levitical priests, start moving. Follow it. Make sure you keep a proper distance between you and it, about half a mile be sure now to keep your distance! and you'll see clearly the route to take. You've never been on this road before."
I cried. I literally felt Him lovingly reassure me of His presence in all of this. He told me that He sees the big picture. He confirmed to me that He understood how daunting this was for me, by letting me know that He knew I had never been on this road before. He knows this walking by faith is new to me. He told my heart that the distance it feels, when it is left hanging by faith, is the proper distance to see clearly the route I am to take. I can't constantly be on a high, or emotionalism would cloud my judgment. He told me to keep following Him, but at times, to see more clearly, it would need to be at a distance.
I Corinthians 4:20 - God's Way is not a matter of mere talk; it's an empowered life.
I believe this verse, REALLY believe it. I have seen glimpses of it in my own life. I have been empowered to remove some SERIOUS addictions...they are GONE now...and I have NO desire to go back to them. Now what? I became accustomed to His unquestionable presence in my life. I didn't ask Him. God just appeared. He dug in, and He called ME. Now that He has my attention, I feel like I have to remind Him that He called me, and tell Him that I am still here...waiting. I have a TREMENDOUS need for God. I have an addictive personality, and He's my drug. In the past, I have been spoiled by instant gratification from my worldly addictions...but right now I'm having to wait, and it's getting uncomfortable.
Some of His promises are that this season of Kevin's and my life is over. He is moving us on. He has let both of us know that He is taking care of our funding needs, and that He will sell our house. He has definitely been busy weeding out many things in our lives that were a part of the old season. He has brought us to this place of uncomfortable limbo, and the nudging has seemed to stop. Where did the empowerment go? I am not feeling empowered! Yet, while we are still here, in uncomfortable limbo land, He has brought into my life, a small community of hurting Christians. I thought, for a while, I might be able to help. I was living an empowered life. He was there, and I knew it. I wanted to tell everyone that I was involved with, that He could be as real for them, as He was for me. He was more than a religion, an ideology...insurance. He was a friend, and a father. He had visited me, and had done miraculous things for me...I, for the first time in my life, had gotten what REAL Christianity had to offer...a tangible relationship with Almighty God. It's not so tangible right now. These hurting Christians have A LOT of good questions, and I can't make God speak to them in a way that they can hear Him...and I can't make them hear Him. I used to have A LOT of questions for God too, but with the sound of His voice, He answered ALL of them...but what do you do when fellow sufferers can't hear His voice? Pray? I am. I can't make Him show up for them like He did for me. I want to, but I just can't.
So hear I sit, in limbo, with an addiction to a God I can't control. He works differently than any drug I have ever experienced before...yet I am always wanting more. I sense God working, although for now I can't really hear Him...or see Him. I can't go back, nor do I even desire to. I don't want Egypt, but I don't want the desert either. I want the promise land. I want abundant life everyday. I want an empowered life!
I just have to share, with my small corner of the world, what God did for me Friday night. I was working in my discipleship workbook, A Warrior's Journal, and that particular days study was about growing your faith. Seth suggested many different ideas to stretch yourself, and grow your faith. One of those ideas was to pray for a miracle. I was also reading in John, chapter 16. When I got to verses 23 & 24, of John chapter 16, I read this:
Ask the Father for whatever is in keeping with the things I've revealed to you. Ask in my name, according to my will, and he'll most certainly give it to you. Your joy will be a river overflowing its banks!
After reading those two particular ideas on the same day, I felt that God was calling me to pray some bold prayers, and I had some in mind. We need our house to sell QUICKLY, in a bad market, and we also need HUGE amounts of support to get our family to Africa. I have no problem believing that God can make these things happen for us, so I have no problem asking Him for them. The problem was Asking in Jesus's name, according to His will. I know that Kevin has received MANY signs from God, pointing our family in the direction of Africa. I have never asked for one so I have never seen one. Friday night I decided I needed one. I have relied on feelings and events up to now, but to pray the bold miraculous prayers God was asking me to pray, I needed a sign from God...making it clear that His absolute will was for our family to be in Africa.
I had all my study materials on my bed, and I had my laptop sitting there...with all my email up to date, and cleared. I told God that I really felt like He was leading me to pray with more boldness, and that I have some pretty miraculous needs, but before I could truly ask for them with true boldness, I needed to know if they were His will for our family. I asked Him for a sign. I asked that it come that evening, and before Kevin and I prayed together. I asked Him, to let my next email to come in be about Africa. I couldn't believe what I had just committed myself to knowing. I felt like what Kevin and I had been dreaming about, since February, really hung in the balance. I didn't know what it would mean if an email came in regarding anything but Africa. I just knew that God had been in my Bible study, and He was asking me to pray bold prayers, and I was honestly seeking His will so that I could pray the way He was leading me to.
After my little panic attack, I looked at my laptop screen, and an email had arrived. I looked at it, and it was from a friend, saying that they had been praying for us. I felt this HUGE surge inside of me. I QUICKLY emailed her back. I told her I had this HUGE fleece before God, and I NEEDED to know what she had been praying for us about. She quickly emails back...AFRICA. It was as if God Himself had come down, entered my little world, sat on my bed with me, and told me that my family and I were to go to Africa. At that moment, I felt like I could ask God for anything...and I did.
Strongholds Part Deux: Freedom From Anger = Forgiveness?
1:38 PM by Christi Bowman
I just want to praise Jesus over and over and over again!!!! I can't even begin to tell you the miracle He has performed in me since Tuesday night. I feel like I need to try and explain it the best I can, since I asked for your prayers.
People who don't struggle with anger are incredibly lucky, and they have no idea how crippling anger can be. I know first hand Romans 7:15
I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.
I wouldn't want to scream. I wouldn't want to be so absorbed in what I was doing that I would get irritated at my kids. I wanted to want to help them, but no matter how I acted on the outside, I would seethe on the inside if they dared to ask me for most anything. I have tried SO hard to conquer this anger I struggle with. I have even prayed about it. Spewing mean angry words of frustration, felt good for the second, when I wanted to punish the irritants, but I always felt so inexplicably awful, almost as soon as the anger soaked words left my mouth. That is the GLARING flaw of Satan. He is NOT your friend...even when he has you where he wants you, even when your not a threat to him. When your not a threat, he treats you like garbage...like a slave. He gets you enslaved to bad behavior...to selfish behavior, and then he makes you hate yourself once you have participated in it. He hates you...no matter where you are in life. He hates you.
God, last Tuesday, really came through for me. He revealed to me through a Facebook conversation with a friend, that my anger was truly a heart problem. God told me a few things. Number one, He let me know that my anger was not going to be easily fixed by some outward behavior modifications, they only made me more resentful on the inside. I needed to admit that I was angry through and through, and not necessarily at my kids, they were just a convenient outlet. I needed to admit that this anger was a deep seated generational sin, and that it went much deeper than I even had the ability to comprehend. Number two, God brought my hatred of my Grandmother to mind, a HUGE participant in my family's generational sin of anger. I expressed a willingness to forgive her Tuesday night, and that has ALWAYS been unfathomable to me. I think that was a HUGE step in the right direction. Kevin has ALWAYS told me, that if I could ever be able to truly forgive my grandmother, he believed I would experience freedom from my anger. I could NEVER wrap my mind around that idea. What did forgiving a woman who never loved me, and seriously wronged me over and over have to do with anything? She didn't deserve forgiveness, and I have always, before Tuesday evening, wanted to hang on to my hatred of her. Thirdly, God told me I was going to have to lay my anger at His feet, EVERY TIME I felt it creeping up inside me...and He meant EVERY time. I told Him I would, but you have to understand that that meant I was going to have to come to Him ALL DAY LONG. Satan usually started in on me EARLY, and my anger would seriously start to build with Lane's first cry to get out of bed...especially if he woke up earlier than usual. He also told me I would even have to be MORE intentional about my "fake" outward behavior, and that when I started to feel resentful, that is when I needed to call on Him for a heart change.
I did these things. Tuesday night, I expressed a willingness to forgive my Grandmother, and Wed morning, when Lane started in on me, of course earlier than usual, I walked into his room, without making him cry for 30 min first (that was the being even more intentional about my outward behavior part). When I felt resentment towards Lane, I immediately cried out to God for deliverance, with a "you promised" attitude. And you know what...IT WORKED. I can promise you IT WORKED. After that my anger didn't have anything to build on, so it was easier to do things for Anna, because the resentment had not been allowed to establish itself for the day. I told Kevin, when he got home...that this day was MUCH easier for me than any other day with the kids had been. Now, the last couple of days have not been without flare ups, but I can only think of one, really, and that wasn't even aimed at the kids...it was a customer service rep. But even then, I can remember having to purposely choose to be angry. God told me that He could help me to not be angry in that instant, but I clearly told him..."NO, I deserve this one"...and I heard Him say "o.k."...and for about 30 minutes, I wreaked HAVOC in everyone's life. That has got to be the most beautiful thing about God, He does NOT force Himself on you. And I learned a lot from that 30 min. For the first time, I caught a glimpse of what I allow myself to do in anger. The most amazing thing about this transformation, is, that when I let Him, God helps me EVERY WHERE I turn. And, I am getting so good at knowing His voice, in this. I can hear Him before I loose it, starting today. He says "you don't want to do this...it's not walking in the spirit (Gal 5 16-26)", and I am so thankful for that reminder. It has been a MAJOR breakthrough for me to not feel anger surge inside my heart and come tumbling out eventually.
The lesson I have learned from this is thatI don't just love Him, I have a SERIOUS need for Him on a second by second basis. I DESPERATELY need Him, and I have to INTENTIONALLY cling to Him. If I take my eyes of Him even for a second, I feel myself drowning in the ocean of anger. And the wonderful thing is, is that He just doesn't allow me to cling to Him, He wants me to. He really helps me, and He helps my heart be able to feel the things it truly wants to feel. I am NOT a slave to this anger any longer. It's indescribable to be free.
I am speechless that something written almost two thousand years ago describes the old me, and the new me, that I am becoming, so perfectly. I came across Galatians 5, verses 16-26 in The Message this evening, and here is what it says:
16-18My counsel is this: Live freely, animated and motivated by God's Spirit. Then you won't feed the compulsions of selfishness. For there is a root of sinful self-interest in us that is at odds with a free spirit, just as the free spirit is incompatible with selfishness. These two ways of life are antithetical, so that you cannot live at times one way and at times another way according to how you feel on any given day. Why don't you choose to be led by the Spirit and so escape the erratic compulsions of a law-dominated existence?
19-21It is obvious what kind of life develops out of trying to get your own way all the time:repetitive, loveless, cheap sex; a stinking accumulation of mental and emotional garbage; frenzied and joyless grabs for happiness; trinket gods; magic-show religion; paranoid loneliness; cutthroat competition; all-consuming-yet-never-satisfied wants; a brutal temper; an impotence to love or be loved; divided homes and divided lives; small-minded and lopsided pursuits; the vicious habit of depersonalizing everyone into a rival; uncontrolled and uncontrollable addictions; ugly parodies of community. I could go on.
This isn't the first time I have warned you, you know. If you use your freedom this way, you will not inherit God's kingdom.
22-23But what happens when we live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely.
23-24Legalism is helpless in bringing this about; it only gets in the way. Among those who belong to Christ, everything connected with getting our own way and mindlessly responding to what everyone else calls necessities is killed off for good—crucified.
25-26Since this is the kind of life we have chosen, the life of the Spirit, let us make sure that we do not just hold it as an idea in our heads or a sentiment in our hearts, but work out its implications in every detail of our lives. That means we will not compare ourselves with each other as if one of us were better and another worse. We have far more interesting things to do with our lives. Each of us is an original.
Before God revealed Himself to me, I was a stinking accumulation of mental and emotional garbage. I lived frenzied and joyless grabs for happiness. I had MANY trinket gods. My religion always felt more like a show than anything authentic. I did have paranoid loneliness...that was one of the main reasons why I drank. I can relate to the cutthroat competition, that is where the running myself to death at the cost of everything, came into play. I definitely had all consuming yet never satisfied wants, and a brutal temper goes without saying. There are more up there that I related to. It is AMAZING that THIS WAS ME!! The most terrifying part to all of this, is that verse 21 says "If you use your freedom this way, you will not inherit the Kingdom of God." This verse acknowledges the fact that there is freedom in Christ, but since you are free, you have the freedom to not walk in the Spirit...but if that is your choice, than it says you won't inherit the Kingdom of God. That is scary to me.
There is hope though, if you live Gods way, it says that He will bring gifts into your life...and I have been a recipient of these gifts. Where there was an "impotence to love or be loved, there are things like affection for others." For the first time, in a long time, I am liking people. I now have an exuberance for life. I can't wait to start another day, and try again at the things He is teaching me. I am experiencing serenity. I used to live in perpetual irritation, always needing answers before they were available. Right now there are SO many unanswered questions pertaining to Africa, and I am really at peace with Gods timing in revealing His answers to me. He has been faithful thus far. The rest of the God given gifts are up there, and I am experiencing all of them.
Verse 24 says Among all those who belong to Christ (THAT IS ME) everything connected with getting our own way, and MINDLESSLY RESPONDING TO WHAT EVERYONE ELSE CALLS NECESSITIES IS KILLED OFF FOR GOOD - CRUCIFIED. I know that this is a progressive work. However, it is amazing to me, that since God has become my God, this transition has taken place relatively quickly. In six months time I am no longer consumed with getting my own way, and the things indicative of that, above, have disappeared, save one; and even in that (the brutal temper) I have seen a HUGE heart change, since God revealed to me how to handle it.
The greatest perk, I must say, is that it is so very freeing to not mindlessly respond to what everyone else calls a necessity. Paul put that so beautifully. To truly be in Jesus, and not have to have what everyone else has is to me what really makes His yoke easy and His burden light. I don't need anything but Jesus, and I am a treasured princess no matter what I am wearing, no matter what my kids look like, no matter what neighborhood I live in, no matter what kind of house I own, and no matter what stuff I have in my house. None of these "necessities" matter, because for the first time in my life I feel valued...not for what I have, but for who I am...an overwhelmingly loved child of The Almighty God!!
Here is a GREAT video to give you an idea of what is going on in Swaziland, and what AIM, the mission organization we are involved with, is doing to bring Jesus to the plethora of needs over there. Thanks Elysa for doing the You Tube work...and putting it on your blog Musings from Graceland
