Addicted Mindset...

Questions and Thoughts about Baby Landina

2010-02-07T23:20:00.003-06:00

I sent the following letter to Shaun King, pastor of Courageous Church in Atlanta, asking questions about his efforts for Baby Landina. Although I did not know how the pastor would respond to my questions, I was not at all prepared for his response via his Twitter stream.

I was fairly shocked at being called a Wackjob and an evil stalker by a person who I respected for the amazing relief work he has been orchestrating for Haiti. My intentions in writing the letter were never cold or demeaning, but instead stemmed from a desire to seek understanding.

Perhaps I have sanctity of life issues, I don't know. My understanding tells me this is a journey and I don't have to have all the right answers today. The only way I will learn is by asking questions and feeling people and issues out as I discuss them.

I cannot guarantee you that I will in any way come to your conclusions once you share them with me, nor will I feel the need to apologize for how I see things should I choose after talking with you to keep my own current opinion regarding baby Landina.

We all see through a glass dimly. Neither one of us has the right answer. I in no way see you as an expert...you have a different opinion than me, and I am seeking wisdom.

Baby Landina has no parents and no known living relatives. She is a resident of the poorest country on her continent where without parents or relatives she will most likely end up in an orphanage with pretty poor living conditions. She needed to have her arm amputated. Forgive me if I am wrong, but third world countries don't strike me as having an over abundance of white collar jobs. Without an arm, even if she was to live, what kind of future would she have?

I am in no way advocating for mass killings of the underprivileged by asking these questions. It is just that this baby is on the brink of death, and life isn't what I would call a gift. There is tons and tons of pain in the world even for those of us that live with immense amounts of privilege. I can't imagine life being any worse and yet I know that it is for much more of the world than it isn't. A very sad reality.

God doesn't promise us a pain free existence, not by a long shot...I would even say that pain is a gift...but in that same way that Jesus tells his disciples that He doesn't give to them like the world gives to them. I'm not advocating that we let people die in order to help them avoid pain. I am saying though that I think death can be a gift. If the situation is looking impossible it may just be that God wants to give his precious 3month old Landina the gift of death.

I happen to be a universalist and believe that this side of eternity is not the only place you get to make eternal decisions...but even non universalists show grace to a 3 month old. What could she possibly need this life for at 3 months? Her future looks bleak...sure she could beat the odds, but her future is still bleak because life is bleak...whether privileged or underprivileged.

If things were lining up for baby Landina that would be great...I guess if you feel the need to stamp and shout to intervene...whatever...I just think that sometimes God wants something, but does something else b/c people ask him to...I think we should be careful and consider everyone when we are asking God to intervene...

For what reason or for whom exactly are you/we asking God to intervene? I started following you b/c I thought you had something to say, but I have been getting the vibe lately that this is a lot more about you...perhaps it didn't start out that way, but you've been getting a lot of attention and I see all the talk of awards...Are you sure you aren't doing this to be a hero? Do you plan on keeping tabs on baby Landina if she is kept alive to see what God spared her for or do you just want to see her live so you can say you made it happen?

Don't get me wrong, I think being a hero is fine...the world probably needs heroes. You have done some great things and the noise you have made has impacted thousands and may impact millions. I have retweeted you on several occasions...even prompted my husband to give money to some of the things you have organized.

Forgive me if my hunch is wrong, but I sincerely feel as though you may be crossing a line here. I do believe that God answers prayer...I believe God at times gives up what God wants for what we ask for. I personally have ceased praying for miracles like this one b/c we don't know everything...we can't possibly take into consideration everything.

For us and our kids, living in industrialized nations, life can seem beautiful and well worth living...it can seem to us that if u don't get to live you miss out...but life isn't like that for everybody.

Perhaps God is sparing her from this life b/c he doesn't want to watch what her future will be...it will hurt God to watch her live out what others must live out...b/c of this tragedy she may be getting a pass and so might God. What if you are asking God to endure pain God wouldn't have to if God takes her into his presence..what if, b/c God loves you and those you have gotten to pray, he does indeed give you what you asked? You don't have to endure what God now has to endure....you don't even have to live the life Landina has to...which will be far harder due to the death of her birth parents and a missing arm in the third world. You don't have to be Landina's child whose life will be more complicated b/c her/his mommy doesn't have an arm. Nope, you get to live your cushy American life while others suffer at the hands of your prayer...and it will all be God's will (b/c he chose to answer your prayer) and he will make something beautiful out of the mess...but you have no idea what you are asking for...

this is all emotional and so "now" oriented and bent out of your world view which isn't the only one.

I have not meant to hurt you, make you mad or anything else. I have been blunt, but that is the only way I know how to get across what I feel I need to get across. I do not wish to unfollow you because I disagree so please if you are going to respond at all do not reply with that. I respect you... Think you have good motives ect...I just have bad feelings about this and wanted to discuss/share

Thanks for your time

Christi

As you can see in the first three paragraphs, I do nothing but admit that my understanding is more than likely flawed. I was hoping to get the perspective of a man I admired from a far but was having trouble understanding in that moment. As an American, behind the scenes, I have done what I can do...given where I can give...and will continue to do so. What is going on in Haiti is beyond my comprehension. There are no easy answers.

This morning, I read, In "Conspire Magazine:"

"Close to the end of all things there is a Hello. And we realize that the end of all things is the beginning"

I have a twitter friend, Hugh Hallowell, who says:

"Jesus won't pay your utility bill, but he will sit in the dark with you"

I'm working out my salvation and doing the best that I can to make some sort of sense out of this God I am madly in love with. I mean no disrespect and am always willing to dialogue. I will be the first to admit that I am wrong...but I will need to discuss it. My favorite verse is "We all see through a glass dimly" To me that says, don't take yourself too seriously, but it also gives me the freedom to take everyone else less seriously.

Peace.

The Past, The Future, and Living in the Present.

2010-01-19T21:26:00.005-06:00

I went to the gym alone and worked out hard. My reward, as always, was a nice long sit in the sauna. While inside, I read the fourth chapter of my current book for a second time (it had blown my mind the first.) It did so again.

I am rarely competitive, except for in the gym. My competitive nature kept me seated in the sauna for five minutes longer than my usual thirty; I like to be the first one in and the last one out. I have no idea why this is, but my resolve is high and my tenacity strong. As I exited the tiny room of cedar, my body was dripping and my head and heart were pounding. I was the last one to leave, but the sauna was the only winner.

I sat down on a bench in the women's locker room, next to locker twenty six, preparing to cool down, relax, and meditate on the powerful concepts in chapter four. For a brief moment in time my body relaxed, all tension was gone, and I was completely taken by the holiness of solitude.

But, as soon as I began to enjoy my chance at reflection I felt bitterness creep into my soul. In a split second I "watched" anger and resentment steal my joy. I had stumbled upon some much needed time of solitude, and my thoughts would not allow me to stay in the present long enough to enjoy it. Instead, my thoughts began bemoaning the fact that in my current phase of life I cannot count on these times...

I came to the conclusion that I am never alone; even my thoughts disturb me. Are my thoughts me?

When I was younger, before marriage, I was scared of being alone...forever. The thought of that fear consumed me. Once married, my husband would need to leave sometimes, and the fear of being alone would overwhelm me. When I found out I was pregnant I was over joyed...I would never find myself alone again. I have been pregnant three times now and I am never alone. I often find myself dreaming of the day when I can expect to be alone...most of the time.

As I sat on the bench by locker twenty-six, thinking about the past and coveting the future, a horrible thought presented itself. It seemed to ask me why I thought, if I had yet to learn to live in the present, a future present would bring any real satisfaction? It seemed to taunt me by pointing out that my past futures had in all actuality never completely solved the problem of my existence. If marriage had not calmed my fears, and parenthood had not brought me true happiness, than why did I seem to put my hope in the fact that true happiness still lies ahead in the future? It doesn't, it never will. When I arrive in my future present, what will be there to keep me from living in that present?

As if by some gift, I saw what my older self would worry about when I finally got all the alone time I had been coveting...what will rob me of joy in the future will once again be the fear of being alone. My children will be gone and I will worry about whether I did right by them and that thought will haunt me when I am alone...it will haunt me because I spent the time I was with them coveting a future without them.

It Should Cost Something!

2009-12-16T20:03:00.014-06:00

I found myself in the middle of a small controversy over a status update I had posted on Facebook the other day. The conversation quickly turned to a debate over wealth.

"Sometimes I am overwhelmed with passages like Luke 3:10-18 and think following Christ and U.S. culture are irreconcilable"

I have been mulling over many things these past few weeks and this discussion helped weave those many things together.

I have been wrestling, for the better part of a while now, with a God of miracles and healing vs. a God of suffering.

I think of Mother Theresa: As a nun she had taken a vow of poverty, and she lived in solidarity with the poor she was among. Before she would give away shoes to the needy she would claim. as her own the most inferior pair. Because of this practice her feet were in bad condition...malformed and misshaped. It has been said that her decision caused her no small amount of physical pain.

Mother Theressa's reality is difficult for Americans to understand, if we are honest. I think, for some of us, it would be hard to imagine taking the very worst pair of shoes...every time...but, it would also be very hard for us to understand, if we had indeed been blessed with enough insight to have that kind of humility, why God hadn't chosen to watch over our feet and keep them safe from harm. We would feel as though our great sacrifice had gone ignored and unappreciated.

"God's permissive will is the testing
He uses to reveal His true sons and daughters" ~ Oswald Chambers

before we go any farther I must state that I am a universalist. It is IMPORTANT that you realize I have NO ONE person in mind as I write this. If you disagree with me after reading (and many of you will) and you feel as though I am insinuating that the lifestyle you are choosing to live is in my opinion not the lifestyle of a true son or daughter of God than please choose to look on the bright side by keeping in mind that not only does my opinion not count for much, but as a universalist I am NOT condemning you to hell for not believing the way I do...all I want...all I EVER want is nice, civil conversation (please do not try and convince me of your rightful place in heaven...and/or mine in hell.)

In other parts of the world, where the Church is persecuted, becoming a Christian is no small decision. It is not something to be considered just because you fear the eternal flames of the afterlife or are intrigued by mansions and streets of gold. In some respects, by choosing to become a follower of Christ, in these parts of the world, you are making a decision to enter into a very real hell this side of eternity. In these places it is not uncommon, for those who are already Christians and have made the choice to suffer, to adopt a policy of making would be converts wait a minimum of two years to fully take on Christ. There hope is that these would be converts will take those two years to really consider the cost and be fully cognizant of the would be/could be ramifications should they choose to finalize their decision.

Where is American Christianity's waiting period? Why don't we have a cost to count? Could it be we got lucky by an act of chance so random as a birthright? Is it possible that there really is no hell to enter here? Might you be willing to consider, along with me, the idea that American Christianity has missed something intrinsically linked with salvation? Per chance has it for far too long held hands with the wrong side? Has American Christianity made friends in high places and become an institution of entitlement where comfort is the expected norm and the lack of it an abhorrent stench?

I argue that there is a hell to enter here and it is the hell of poverty. All of those who disagreed with my Facebook status (mentioned above) argued that wealth was indeed a blessing and insinuated, if not out right said, that I was harsh and ridiculous for even slightly insinuating that it might not be. I don't necessarily disagree (the jury is still out) that being a wealthy person could be considered a blessing, but if wealth is a blessing, and here comes the harsh part, I'm convicted that living as a wealthy person (most are considered wealthy in America) and enjoying the benefits of your wealth (myself included)...even if you give some away...while others suffer...can in no way be seen as part of that blessing from God.

A friend of mine who has chosen to enter hell, Stephen Lamb, talks often about God's economy being one where everyone has enough. I often think about how insulting the idea of this economy might be to us as Americans. At first blush it sounds like a nice idea. But if you dig deep enough into the statement it is nothing short of a slap in the face to how most American Christians choose to live. This isn't talking about raising the poor to a western middle class standard of living but rather entering into their suffering and sharing all resources equally. God's economy effects YOUR/MY life...YOUR/MY comfort!

I propose that in order to be considered a true son or daughter of God...a true walker in the ways of Jesus, we take a 2 year sabbatical from considering ourselves Christian just because we ascent to certain beliefs and we make this thing more than about acquiring a mansion on streets of gold or a getting out of hell free card. This Christianity needs to cost us something..it cost God everything! Upon his death Jesus entered into hell (Eph 4:8-10 & I Pet 3: 18) and upon making the choice to die to our flesh we need to as well.

As a minimum requirement, an act of solidarity or good faith, we should have to count the cost of leaving our secluded neighborhoods where our eyes never have to meet those of the homeless if we don't want them to, and we should move into depressed neighborhoods. I'm not talking about quitting jobs...go to your nice job, make your six figures...but if we want to be called true sons and daughters of God lets quit hoarding!

Sure, God has a permissive will. He makes the rain to fall and the sun to shine on both the evil and the good. You can be born or marry into the right family, you can have the right kind of brain, the most able of bodies, or even the best of looks...all of these things can help you earn a better living than those less fortunate and because of that you can call them blessings (although I'm not entirely convinced.) God will not smite you if instead of choosing His economy you choose to live in that of America's. But what if how we live and what we do with our wealth while those around us suffer is a test? Do you have more than enough while others do without? I know I do and I can't get rid of it fast enough.

Jesus, though he eased the suffering of many, never chose to ease his own suffering. He never really eased the suffering of his disciples either. In the gospels you don't see healing parties break out among Jesus and the twelve. God's blessings aren't for us. Jesus learned obedience through that which He suffered. True disciples choose to suffer and while choosing to suffer they pour out the blessings of God onto others!

I pray over each and every one of you the blessing of struggling with your comfort!

Peace.

Is a Christian Nation Anti-Christ?

2009-11-17T14:14:00.005-06:00

I love dialogue. My favorite part about reading a fellow blogger's blog is reading the comments his/her post has stirred his/her readers to make, because that is where the true conversation lies. A writer cannot disclaim everything nor can they come close to considering all of the opinions out there concerning the subject they have chosen to expound upon. It disturbs me when people get angry at the writer for not considering a certain aspect before writing his/her post. There is absolute merit to a reader pointing out something they believe the writer has not thought about when making his/her point...it is integral to discussion. Pointing out holes in a writer's thought helps both the reader and the writer form a more thought out opinion as long as both the reader and the writer are willing to be open minded. Still there is no need for anger, or sarcasm, or treating a writer as if they are stupid and not aloud to have an opinion if their post fails to champion a certain reader's opinion on the subject.

"To please all is to please none"

This post is a follow up post to yesterday's post: "Is Living Counter to American Culture Un-godly?" A dialogue about my post began in the comments section of Facebook. It seems that some readers saw my post yesterday as an attack on consumerism. It was not. My brother in law, as part of his response posted this:

"If instead I hear you call for a change in America because of over-indulgence, I can support that"

I love the family marrying my husband has brought into my life...and I thank my brother in law for his support as that means a lot to me. His comment about yesterday's post sparked this reply from me (spruced up and expounded upon for blog purposes) and I am writing it as a blog post because I think it helps further expound on what I was actually saying yesterday.

Viva la dialogue!

I don't think I would push for a change in America. Pushing for a change in America because of a belief system is exactly where I believe the problem lies! Because Christians believe in the "godly" heritage of America, it seems they feel they have a right, whenever they feel a Christian ideology has been trampled upon, to dictate the morality of the nation by shaking their fist in the air, insulting the American people by insisting on a national return to God, and dictating that return by insisting on the need to follow the particular Christian path they deem is the most correct and therefor the biblical one. I believe this is anti-Christ in that Jesus did not get the Roman empire nor the Jewish nation to back his ideology as part of his plan.

Why, if this was not the example that Christ set, do Christians, of all practices, feel the need to get America, the nation, on board to make their ideology legit? Why is their so much faith and trust in the dirty rotten system? What I don't believe Christian's realize, and maybe I am naive in this, is that if America, the nation, were to adopt a certain way of practicing Christianity, then because America is a nation and can only do what a nation does, then that particular way of practicing Christianity would become oppressive and therefor anti Christ.

Christianity preaches "Do unto others as you would have it done unto you" and "Love others as you love yourself" right? Why can't Christians practice what they preach and in so doing love Muslims, for example, like they love themselves and realize that since Christians would more than likely reject a Muslim nation it is more than probable that Muslims would reject a Christian nation and MAYBE...JUST MAYBE separation of church and state exists for far more reasons than to protect Christians from other religions, but it also serves to protect other peoples from the religion of Christianity (yes Christians, unfortunately people need protection from some of you as well)...HECK...I think we would ALL agree that if America adopted as its national practice some forms of the religion of Christianity (Fred Phelps anyone?) even those who call themselves Christians would feel oppressed...NOBODY wants a nation that gets behind a religion...unless it is their religion...and then it must be their faction of that religion. Why does a religion need a nation's help unless its plans are to be oppressive? The very call by Christians for the return of America back to her "godly" heritage is not only insulting, it is downright oppressive and anti the Christ it claims to follow!

To get to the point of my post: This is exactly why I have determined that living counter to the Christian culture of America is in fact very Godly. A Christian nation is anti-Christ!

Anti-consumerism was NEVER the point of yesterday's post. It was just ONE of the many ways of being counter cultural that I listed. Maybe it was the following quote that led some readers to believe I was attacking consumerism:

"Know ye, that not the happiness of this earth is the sign of God's grace, and not him whom the Lord loveth doth He exalt with happiness and good fortune. The possessions of this earth are not the prizes which God distributeth among His chosen. The possessions of this earth He giveth to the wicked for the little merit that is in them. Often He maketh His chosen one the target of arrows; His beloved ones He rewardeth with sorrows: He filleth the way of the righteous toward Him with thorns, for the sorrows of man bring him nearer to God." ~ The Nazarene (pg 301)

I utilized that quote as a way to insist that every time a people group gets national status to promote their ideology they are the oppressors and therefor the rich. That quote was an excellent way to say that God does not bless by wordly riches. If God were to bless with wordly wealth than most of the world's population would be DAMNED just because of where they were born and I refuse to believe that! It is a popular Christian belief in America to THINK God blesses monetarily because that is what Christianized America would have us believe...but Jesus himself states: "I do NOT give to you as the world gives"

I am NOT against consumerism as a nation of people practice it per se...I AM ABSOLUTELY AGAINST THE CHRISTIANIZING OF CONSUMERISM! Christianized consumerism absolutely oppresses those who in no way can afford to live up to the standards of the American dream. It leads them to believe that the blessings of God do not fall on them and therefor they must be one of God's unlovlies. The Christianization of of consumerism leads to debt as no one wishes to believe that they were solely created to be ignored by their creator and so they are willing to pay for the so called blessings of the American god with credit...and then the Christians come out and say that debt is a curse...does tying heavy burdens on the back's of people while not lifting a finger to help carry them ring a bell to anyone???

In closing I would like to state that I do not care how any Christian practices their religion. Be it Joel Osteen's "your Best Life Now" or a Mennonite congregation focused on self abnegation. The Christian Bible states that ALL see through a mirror dimly. ALL are wrong in their interpretation of God. Christian practices may have gems that point to God and reveal a facet of Him. Some forms of Christianity may speak to certain people about God and help them see Him more clearly, but no ONE Christian practice is the one and only way to God Almighty...get over yourselves!!! Christianity is one framework among many that God chooses to reveal Himself in...Jesus was a Jew.

May ALL Christians STOP seeking to Christianize a nation, that is by its very existence self seeking, to back up their own ideologies...it makes you look bad, and it confuses people who find themselves at your door step looking for true transformative spirituality! It is obvious you yourselves are spoiled self seekers who seek only to make yourselves comfortable in your own exclusive nation state! Instead choose to delve deeper into your particular understanding and choose to be a light of love and ACCEPTANCE in the dark places people find themselves in.

"When you dig deep enough into your own particularity you find universality" ~ Cornel West

Is Living Counter to American Culture Un-godly?

2009-11-16T12:07:00.003-06:00

I have been researching freeganism and this exploration led to my first dumpster diving encounter last Thursday. This activity is not exactly legal. I found much that was edible especially in the way of produce.

Yesterday afternoon my husband prepared some of the squash that my friend and I had rescued. As we were enjoying our meal my husband stated: "I love eating food that represents standing in opposition to the system."

There is something exhilarating, for some of us residing in the good ol' U.S. of A, about living counter to the culture especially when ingrained deep into that culture is the American Civil Religion that calls itself Christianity. I wear my hair in dread locks for many reasons and I have a piercing on my face. I don't exactly look like your "typical" American and I look even less like your typical American Christian. Many American Christians would not even consider me a Christian and in the American sense I don't think I am.

"For a long time I listened to other people to decide whether I was still Christian or not...the great relief was I decided that I got to say if I was Christian or not and so I have relaxed enormously...I say I am a follower of the Christ path... " ~ Barbara Brown Taylor

I came across a post written by Brian McLaren who recently visited Australia. He stated that in some respects Australia is many years ahead of us because of the absence of cultural religion.

I hear a lot of people barking these days about turning America back to her "godly" roots and that language bothers me. By calling America godly or saying that she once was we label the unholy activities she has been in or is involved with as somehow "Christian". When we insinuate that God is on the side of America than everything that she does gets a free pass and those that stand against her practices are not only un-American but they are also anti-Christian and therefor assumed to be un-godly as well (that is a dicussion that deserves its own post.)

America is famous for her dream and the personification of that dream is known for its certain look, its particular way of being, and its possession of things. America's very mantra of life, liberty, and happiness reaffirms her obsession with "my life, "my liberty", and "my happiness."

"Know ye, that not the happiness of this earth is the sign of God's grace, and not him whom the Lord loveth doth He exalt with happiness and good fortune. The possessions of this earth are not the prizes which God distributeth among His chosen. The possessions of this earth He giveth to the wicked for the little merit that is in them. Often He maketh His chosen one the target of arrows; His beloved ones He rewardeth with sorrows: He filleth the way of the righteous toward Him with thorns, for the sorrows of man bring him nearer to God." ~ The Nazarene (pg 301)

Some of us have been in the process of rejecting the dream for a long time and others of us are in the beginning stages of turning our heads away in disgust (and hanging our heads in shame). The rejection of the American dream can be seen in the many choices people are making that are counter to the culture that tries to swallow us up. For some, rejection of the dream comes in standing up for one's own sexuality or for the sexuality of others that has, for way to long, been seen as "counter to the system." For others rejection of he system can be seen in their political leanings. Some people choose to wear the badge of rejection by their lifestyle choices, how they shop (or how they live without shopping) and in what they eat; others display their solidarity against the system with their appearance. There is no ONE way to appropriately reject the dream; I have found that there is usually a mixture of the behavior practices I have mentioned in a single individual and there are more ways to reject the system than I have the time to mention or the mind to understand.

Calling America a Christian nation makes all the things that we consider American come under this very exclusive umbrella of "godliness". This makes prophetic voices against the American dream very difficult to hear. Americans have clothed their American lives in Christian-ese: Today, to speak out against the American dream is seen as an attack on Christianity and to live in opposition to it, in the myriad of counter cultural ways, is considered ungodly.

Is Christianity Really Any Different?

2009-10-22T14:26:00.004-05:00

Seth Barnes, CEO of Adventures in Missions, posted on Facebook today that three of their missionaries are being held in Muslim jails for testifying about their faith in a Muslim nation (the AIM missionaries were released). My husband, Kevin, also posted about Christian missionaries in Africa who are responsible for the torture and murder of THOUSANDS of Nigerian children who were considered to be witches (the children were not released).

I'm sorry, but I find the timing of these two posts extremely ironic! Can we expect religion, by whatever name it calls itself, to be tolerant? Isn't a religion by its very nature intolerant? Is intolerance ever ok? If intolerance is ok for some than it must be ok for all; and if intolerance is not ok than no one should participate in it. How is it ok for one people group to say to another: "It is ok for me, by my very belief system, to not tolerate you, but your system of belief is irrelevant and not only must you tolerate me, but you must accept my belief system as your very own or in some cases die!" That sounds like oppression to me no matter whose name you do it in!

Are religions, because of their very in-tolerate nature, oppressive? How can the religion of Christianity call the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob (the God of the oppressed) their God when they oppress? I realize that Muslims call the God of Abraham their God too, but Christians claim that they are different because of their God. I do not know what claims Muslims make; I did not just claw my way out of the Muslim religion so I can not begin exposing Muslim hypocrisies. You may rest assured that I am an equal opportunist when it comes to religion and hypocrisy and believe that Muslims have plenty of their own hypocrisies.

My issue is that the Christian religion claims to be different and it absolutely is not! I know that some of you who associate yourself with the Christian religion will want to argue that the behaviors of the Christians in Africa don't speak for you; I urge you to read I Cor 12:12-26 with an emphasis on verse 26. If you claim that the religion of Christianity is the body of Christ and you claim to be part of that body of Christ than by the very words of your Bible, which you claim to be absolute truth, you stand condemned of these atrocities and so many more. Maybe we need to rethink associating the body of Christ with any particular religion.

The God that the religion of Christianity claims as its own is the God of the oppressed people not the God of the oppressor. It seems to me like the religion of Christianity may be in trouble with its own God...though you could make the case that He is not the God they claim at all. It doesn't really matter because it seems The God of the oppressed gets pretty hot and bothered by all people groups who oppress whether they claim Him or not.

Christianity as a religion is no different than any other religion and in the name of everything that really is Holy I sincerely wish that it would stop claiming to be. People who can't except the religion of Christianity are those who see right through the fear it uses as its weapon of conversion into the reality that it really has no better way to offer.

Just One of the Many Ways I Am NOT like Jesus.

2009-09-03T12:04:00.004-05:00

WOW...I have not written in almost three months. I have had a serious problem with writers block as I have been processing this particular phase of my journey; which I have found to be a bummer. I enjoy processing through writing and I like getting feedback both positive and negative. For those of you who may pick up right here let me offer up some insight into who I am.

I STRUGGLE with mothering. I lack the instinct. True unconditional and sacrificial love, of anyone, does not come at all easy for me. Matter of fact, when left to myself, I resent having to participate in it at all! I know what some of you might be thinking; Isn't it the human condition to struggle with that kind of love? I would say yes, but also let me say that I have spent plenty of time observing other mothers, in an effort to find out just what the heck is wrong with me, and I have come to the conclusion (however wrong it may be) that if a mother possesses the "mothering instinct" unconditional and sacrificial love, at least for her own children, flows from her in a beautiful and natural way. I am envious of that kind of love.

The admission of my struggle does not mean that I have come to accept it as okay; it just means that I acknowledge the truth about it. Honesty makes it easier to be more intentional, in hopes of developing the skill. I do not want to spend my life justifying my behavior and pretending that a real problem does not exist. I do love my children. It hurts me, in ways that are indescribable, to be so aware of the fact that I am unable to give my children what they need most in this world. I did not receive this kind of love growing up from anyone. I was constantly put in, what I have now identified to be, abusive situations: whether it was my own home, amongst extended family members, that of an abusive daycare provider, or in the corporal punishment atmosphere of a fundamentalist private school system. I say that I have identified my past situations as abusive because I recognize that my parents refuse to acknowledge anything of the sort and yes I struggle with that!

I am learning how to be a cycle breaker, and that learning process is far slower than suites my fancy. I often wonder aloud why God would allow my children to suffer as He takes His time with me.

Anyhow I digress big time!!

I was in the shower today and shampoo got in my eyes. Indignation rose up inside of me as I pushed through the burn until I was done scrubbing my hair. "See" I said to myself "If I can handle it why can't they?" For those of you who possess the mothering instinct you are appalled at the ludicrousness of that statement...and well you should be...But I am just being honest. They are children and I an adult. How would someone in their right mind even begin to expect children to be able to suffer quietly through what an adult is able to bear? Shampoo is going to get in the eyes sometimes...that is a fact...but I get so frustrated when my children whine and carry on about it like they do and I often times encourage them, in an embarrassingly gruff way, to " suck it up."

As I was priding myself on the handling of my own pain while proving that my expectations of my children were worthy ones Hebrews 4:16 entered my realm of thought:

"For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses."

Jesus, the expert in sacrificial and unconditional love sympathizes with us. He knows what it is like to be in our shoes and instead of treating us gruffly when we are unable to walk as He walked...He sympathizes!! If I am to allow unconditional and sacrificial love to develop in me than I need to work on being sympathetic to my children when they are suffering. This is how Jesus is making all things new as it concerns me; this is how He is teaching me. He lets me know right in the moment and in no uncertain terms who He is and when I see Him I know who I am not...but I know who He wants me to be. It is a very slow process...but a process none the less and at least I hear His voice and that is a good thing!!

Vindication.

2009-06-18T09:32:00.009-05:00

My oldest home-schooler and I are in Matthew 17 this week.

^1-3 Six days later, three of them saw that glory. Jesus took Peter and the brothers, James and John, and led them up a high mountain. His appearance changed from the inside out, right before their eyes. Sunlight poured from his face. His clothes were filled with light. Then they realized that Moses and Elijah were also there in deep conversation with him.
⁴Peter broke in, "Master, this is a great moment! What would you think if I built three memorials here on the mountain-one for you, one for Moses, one for Elijah?"
⁵While he was going on like this, babbling, a light-radiant cloud enveloped them, and sounding from deep in the cloud a voice: "This is my Son, marked by my love, focus of my delight. Listen to him."

What vindication!!!

I must admit that I LONG for vindication. David screamed for vindication in the Psalms so I am unashamed of my desire for it! On Wednesday I wrote about my wish for God to be in me like He was in Jesus...

Wouldn't it be so neat if God were to orchestrate a meeting with my parents in which He enveloped us all in a cloud and then said about me...

"This is my daughter, marked by my love, focus of my delight. Listen to her."

But then again...Jesus did not take his enemies to His transfiguration did He?

Ecclesiastes 3:1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven

I Corinthians 15:51 ...we shall all be changed.

Sinking.

2009-06-18T08:00:00.002-05:00

My husband and I did some Christian counseling in Iowa on Monday. They asked why we had come and after I told them my story they asked if the counselors I had seen here, in Illinois, had reported the abuse to the authorities. I was shocked by the question. Throughout this whole process I have never once allowed myself to entertain the possibility of prosecution.

On the same day we drove to Iowa I also received an email from my father. He had contacted my abuser. My abuser's wife denied all allegations while incriminating themselves at the same time. My parents, as usual, made it clear that they were going to believe my abusers instead of me and even allowed a friendship to reignite with them in the process.

After my father made it clear that if I could not prove any abuse then I and my allegations were worthless, I was devastated. After our visit to Iowa, for the first time, I was given hope that I just might be able to prove the abuse I had endured. My husband and I went home and looked up California law. What we found was confusing, but we did manage to get a phone number for the San Diego police department.

I nervously dialed the San Diego police department on Wednesday and they gave me the number to the sex crimes unit. I once again dialed the number. I explained my situation and was directed to a Sargent. He asked for my story and then he dashed all of my hopes; sexual abuse has a twenty year statute of limitations in California. I am seven years past any hope of an investigation.

After the phone call ended I was thrown into a deep depression. I hurt so bad. I asked God why it must hurt like this and His answer was convicting. I had put my hope in the police department. In that moment I knew what Peter must have felt like as he quickly sunk into the water as soon as he took his eyes off of Jesus. I sunk today and it has taken me a while to recover.

A Limp.

2009-06-17T08:45:00.008-05:00

Some people live in a constant state of physical pain...for others the constant reminder that this world is fallen is much more prevalent on an emotional level.

I have a thorn in my soul. I walk around with a gigantic gaping wound that bleeds profusely and yet everyday I must get up and walk around; most days I must put one foot in front of the other as if the wound is not really there...and that is hard to do...and so I limp.

To the naked average eye I am no worse for the wear, but I am not the same person that I was even one short month ago. Life is different with a constant ever present wound even if the puss that oozes from it stays tucked away deep down under the surface of my skin.

I find that in this constant state of agony I am more sympathetic towards humanity as a whole, but I am much less fond of being alive. This world has lost its wonder...its intrigue. I feel as though I am standing silently by as life's appeal melts before my very eyes.

In this state I think often of God clothed in skin, and on some level I know that what God did in Jesus is so much more profound than we as mere human beings posses the depth to realize.

JESUS BEAT THIS PLACE!!

Sometimes I find myself wishing God would help me as much as He helped Jesus.

'The Wounded Heart': A book review of sorts

2009-06-11T12:40:00.008-05:00

I just finished 'The Wounded Heart,' a book with sexual abuse as its subject matter; it was very sensitively written by Dr. Dan B. Allender. 'The Wounded Heart' was not easy to read; at times I found myself sickened to the point of literal nausea as I found in its pages, my story, written with disturbing eloquence. Even with its difficult content, I highly recommend it to those who have suffered abuse, of any type, in their lifetime; I would also recommend it to those who do not have abuse in their past, but would like to better understand those people who do.

These are a few of my highlights:

"In most cases, sexual abuse is not an event that occurs out of the blue...by someone who lurks in the bushes. Only eleven percent of all sexual abuse is perpetrated by a stranger. The vast majority of sexual abuse occur in relationship with a family member (29%) or with a known non family member (60%)." pg 86

"Many abuse victims are prone to deny the shortcomings of their own homes. The most obvious reason is that whatever was typical is viewed as normal. Chances are, however, that the two factors that are essential to a happy home were absent in the victim's. The first factor is a sense of being enjoyed for who one is rather than for what one does. Many abuse victims were enjoyed for being the adultified child, but that kind of appreciation leaves the hungry heart untouched. A second factor is a respect of one's being that permits opportunity to develop uniqueness and separateness from other members of the family.

The role distortion tears away a child's childhood and replaces it with adult burdens that are too heavy to lift, but must be carried if the child is to enjoy any benefits of life or love in the dysfunctional home. The forsaking of childhood begins the long process of giving up the soul in order to taste a few crumbs of life.

The role confusion is further complicated by repeated violations of the child's boundaries and individual rights. Boundaries are appropriate lines that rightfully separate one's inner and outer world from the domain of others. They provide a sense of uniqueness and independence and help a person orient who he or she is in contrast to who others are." (pg 87 & 88)

"A person who has been abused will likely have grave difficulty comprehending the boundary issues that many of us take for granted. The right to decide within limits what we wear to work or school, where we worship, or whether we have the freedom to say no to a request are issues that are often confusing for those who have not been allowed to form and experiment with their own boundary choices.

Other boundary violations occur when a parent tells a child that her feelings are wrong, crazy, or nonexistent...The denial or rejection of emotions or thoughts violate the privacy and sanctity of a child's inner world. A child likely will question the validity of her perception, making the cost of trusting her intuition exorbitantly high.

So far the home of the victim has produced relational hunger, a sense of being needed but nevertheless demeaned, while making it difficult for the child to trust her perceptions and feelings. The atmosphere is also demanding, conservative, and rule bound. The highest family value is loyalty: always faithful, no matter the cost, to protect the family from attack and shame. The hook is often put deep into the child's psyche: "No one will love you but me. If you tell anyone what goes on in this home, I will die, or you will lose all opportunity to find love. You won't be believed. People will hate you, doubt you, and blame you for hurting your parents." Seldom are the words spoken so clearly. The unstated rule is assumed and infused into the family psyche like flouride in the public water system.

The scene is set for abuse. The child is (to some degree) empty, alone, committed to pleasing, boundary-less, burdened, and bound to a family or a parent whose desire becomes the bread of hope for the hungry child. The two key words are empty and dependent." (pg 88 & 89)

"A parent does not need to know about or suspect sexual abuse to betray a child. A third form of nonoffending betrayal comes as a result of the victim having no place to turn once abuse has occurred because of the parent's character weakness.

In all three forms of nonoffending betrayal the parent(s) chose the route of personal comfort or self-protection over the parental privilege and responsibility of providing a safe environment for their child. The damage may vary due to the type and intensity of betrayal, but in all cases the damage will be profound." pg 124

Both of my parents admit to knowing that something was not right. While I was asking my mom about some of the memories I was having she stated that she knew I was not fond of the home where daycare was provided but it was her opinion that I just did not like discipline. Much more recently my dad also acknowledged his awareness that my abuser was indeed an abusive person but he said that the abuser was to well known in our church community and my dad did not want to risk his reputation by "rocking the boat." My parents definitely chose the route of personal comfort and self protection.

"When a victim of sexual abuse feels powerless, she will see herself as weak and incompetent. When she feels betrayed, her core image will reflect these questions: "Why did the abuser treat me so badly? Why was I not loved and protected?"

Many men and women have wept angry tears over the fact that their parents spent more time washing the car, tending the garden, or perfecting a golf swing than facing and dealing with their wounded heart." (pg 130)

For my mom it was her job she cared for more than my wounded heart, and for my dad it was sports, mostly via the television, and sci fi.

"The experience of being used and discarded provokes images of being undesirable and ugly...It should come as no surprise, then, that someone who has been sexually abused will develop strong contempt and obsessive self-consciousness about his or her body." (pg 130)

"The normal work of the Holy Spirit produces crippled warriors who are used because of their brokenness, weakness, and powerlessness, and not because their struggle-free existence draws good press and large crowds

God's path is paradoxical. We are drawn to Christ because we want life, and life more abundant. He gives us life that leads to abundance via brokenness, poverty, persecution, and death. The life he invites us to lead causes us to lose ourselves so that we can find ourselves, to lose our life so that we can have life. The servants He often uses are young, ill-equipped, and unwilling. The path He takes His servants on in unexpected, perilous, and often unchosen. The scriptures promise ultimate health and wealth, but the path to such enjoyment is not what most of us envision or naturally choose. Paul was left with his "thorn in the flesh,"his path included untold suffering, poverty, and trial, and his earthly life ended with his execution as a sacrifice poured out for our sake. The specifics of Paul's life may not be ours, but the path of weakness and foolishness is the same, if we want to live out the call of Christ." (pg 147)

The battle continues. The growing man or woman will continue to drink deeply from the cup of honesty, repentance, and bold love. Each cycle in the process will strengthen conviction, weaken contempt, and dependent he hunger for more God.

Some days the taste of life will be bitter. Other days it will be sweeter than any honey and more intoxicating than any wine. Drinking from the water that wells up to eternal life will satisfy more deeply than words can express. The few rich tastes of God-given joy are worth the long, hard work of dealing with memories, rage, lonliness, and fear. In so doing we wmulate Paul as a drink-offering, poured out for the sake of our friends, family, and strangers, as we eagerly await Christ's return and the crown of righteousness well worth the battle fought and endured." (pg 230 & 231)

He has Overcome!

2009-06-10T16:48:00.006-05:00

My oldest daughter and I read a chapter in the Bible and then she picks a verse that stands out to her and she writes it down. This is a reading and writing assignment for home school. She has chosen to read through Matthew, and this week has brought us to chapter 16.

Today my heart was pierced and laid open as I read verses 8-11:

You surely don't have much faith! Why are you talking about not having any bread? ⁹Don't you understand? Have you forgotten about the five thousand people and all those baskets of leftovers from just five loaves of bread? ¹⁰And what about the four thousand people and all those baskets of leftovers from only seven loaves of bread? ¹¹Don't you know by now that I am not talking to you about bread?

Fretting about the "little" things equals little faith. It is hard to keep from fretting about the "little" things. When the "little" things are fret worthy they do not seem so little.

Jesus asked them why they were worried about bread; then He asked them to remember the other two times when bread had been the problem. The lack of bread was not what Jesus wanted to be talking about, but He took the time to point out that their worry over bread was worthless for He had already overcome it, twice.

In John He tells us not to worry for He has overcome the world (John 16:33.)

HE HAS OVERCOME THE WORLD!!

I cannot begin to comprehend what that means. But I hear Him asking me as He did His disciples...

"Don't you understand??"

Buried Treasure.

2009-06-09T15:36:00.002-05:00

"And this I pray, that your love may abound yet more and more in knowledge (greek: discernment) and in all judgment (greek: perception); That ye may approve things that are excellent (greek: differ, surpass, more value)...Being filled with the fruits of righteousness, which are by Jesus Christ, unto the glory and praise of God." ~ Philippians 1:9-10a-11 ~

As our love abounds we become more discerning and perceptive so that we may approve (or allow) things that differ, things that surpass, and things that are of more value.

I like word studies, it is like searching for buried treasure.

I have a very generous orthodoxy. I accept things as true that would make many of my institutional church brothers and sisters cringe, but I like the fruit.

Verses like Philippians 1:9 & 10 make me extremely happy as I feel they give me permission to go deeper and believe in a much more compassionate Jesus.

Ruin or Salvation?

2009-06-08T16:27:00.004-05:00

I am learning, in a hands on sort of way, that the words enemy/adversary are not necessarily evil nor do they only stand for evil people. An enemy/adversary can be someone who opposes you over a long period of time or just for a moment. An enemy/adversary can be a family member, a friend, an acquaintance.

My parents have become my adversaries. They are not evil people. They are hurting me, but I am choosing to believe that it is not malicious. They firmly believe that what they say and the expectations that they have are right. I disagree.

My parents are choosing to not speak to me right now, and although I am choosing to not see their behavior as malicious, there actions still cause me a lot of grief. I continue to second guess myself. I could call my parents, sweep things under the rug, and go back to the way things were, but maintaining the status quo would be unhealthy. Still, knowing that I could end this polarization with a phone call, at times, seems like the best option...and then I read a few verses in Philippians (1:6 & 28-29) and I know that God is with me.

I am unable to resolve relations with my family at this time and it feels like a big gaping wound that will not heal, but I am right where He wants me to be and there is grace in this place.

"He which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ:

And in nothing terrified by your adversaries: which is to them an evident token of perdition, but to you of salvation, and that of God.

For unto you it is given in the behalf of Christ, not only to believe on him, but also to suffer for his sake;"

When people clash it may seem to your adversary like you are ruined or lost (perdition) but in all actuality what looks like your ruin or loss to men, is your salvation to God.

My parents cannot fathom that being outside a relationship with them just might be my salvation. They can only view me and my decisions as wrong or bad. This face off of sorts is so very painful but verse 29 of Philippians 1 says that we are to suffer for His sake.

God is doing something within my family right now. He is doing something within me. He is faithful and He will finish what He started. If, while He is finishing what He started, things, for a time, look bleak, who am I to halt the process just so that I may feel better for a few moments?

What looks like loss and ruin is my salvation through suffering.

Healthy Behavior.

2009-06-02T15:27:00.007-05:00

A few weeks ago I was having a private conversation with my husband in our room after he had come home from his work day. We were once more talking about what I have been going through. The good, responsible, kind, and considerate mom part of me did not want the kids to hear any of what was being talked about, so I did not want them hanging out in the hall way or interrupting. There was also a selfish side of me that just wanted to get my thoughts and feelings out of my own head and so wanted to be heard without interruption.

Our first born was having none of it. I heard her footsteps in the hall way and so geared myself up to be very firm with her as she entered our room. She started to talk, and mid word I rudely interrupted her and asked her to go elsewhere until we were done, and not interrupt again. She kept opening her mouth to speak and I kept cutting her off until God silenced me. Finally I let her finish and after that she walked out of the room; she did not interrupt again.

As I watched her disappear I was amazed at the insight I had received.

I see my first born as a little version of me. I do not see my middle child or my baby in such a way. Because I see my first born in this way, just watching her can trigger all sorts of childhood memories. As my minds eye watched her continue to interrupt as I continued to cut her off God was showing me that she was healthy. If I were to do that sort of thing to my parents, my dad especially would have eventually gotten up and yelled in my face all sorts of threats and possibly lifted his hand at me until I coward and slithered away.

Although I was rude to her and continued to shut her down every single time she tried to get a word out, God allowed me to realize that she did not fear us and in that respect she and I have a much more healthy relationship than my parents and I ever did. I was relieved, and as she walked away I began telling my husband about my insight. I admitted that I did not know what healthy child behavior looked like because I never was a healthy child. In light of that insight I could admit that sometimes I find myself squashing the healthy out of my children because healthy child like behavior at best makes me uncomfortable and at worst down right scares me.

"At best, awareness of the motivation behind behavior reveals the web of our fallen desire and creates a desperate need for God's intervention to rescue us from such a dark maze.

Insight alone does not provide the impetus to change destructive behavior; it only creates a context for more fervent repentance. At its worst, and understanding of motivation may lead to fascinating intrigue, self absorptive introspection, and focus away from issues of sin, salvation, and sanctification. The solution of course, resides in the heart of the explorer. The person who plaintively cries out from her core, "Lord, see if there be any secret, harmful way in me," will eventually be blessed with a picture of her sin and God's nurturing provision of grace. The one who explores human motivation out of an ultimate desire to explain away the horror of sin or the profound need for a Savior will pleasantly ruminate about motivation without conviction or change."
~ Dr. Allender "The Wounded Heart" pg. 78

Rejection

2009-06-01T12:09:00.004-05:00

One of my favorite books is "The Shack." The author, (William P. Young) describes the Christian God as being "especially fond" of everyone, even those people that Christians themselves find distasteful and worthy of exclusion; people such as rappers with questionable lyrics, abusers, and murderers.

Since reading "The Shack", I have made "God being especially fond of everyone" my mantra as I seek to bring into reality what I believe to be true in my heart of hearts. I have found myself quite upset with my parents over the last three weeks and reminding myself that God is especially fond of them has kept me centered on love and not on bitterness.

In "The Wounded Heart,"Dr. Allender says:

"If we have acknowledged God as the One, and the only One, who has the power to determine our acceptability, then we will feel only grief, not shame over loss or disappointment."

Last night even as I viewed my broken parents as people who God is especially fond of I allowed myself to grieve their present rejection and the older rejection of theirs and others that I have had to face my entire life.

I have a long list of people who have rejected me in the past:

My day care providers rejected me as a person of worth.
My parents threatened rejection when I told them I did not like them.
My parents once again threatened rejection if I did not stop acting out my abuse on others.
My peers rejected me quite often as I was awkward from being the victim of abuse.
My dad rejected me as a girl.
My mom rejected me as fat when she put me on numerous diets as a child.
My dad rejected me as overweight when his nickname for me was "tubby tina"
My dad rejected my developing body as he said "ew" to every development
My step maternal Grandmother rejected me when I was overweight...her comments when she saw me once a year were unbearable.
My Paternal Grandmother rejected me just because of who I was
My paternal aunt rejected me by calling me a brat every time she saw me.
My parents flat out rejected me when I began seeking solace in "questionable" friends and illegal substances because of all the pain above.
Boys rejected me after I gave them what they wanted (I had to pretend that casual sex was what I wanted or risk rejection.)

After all this rejection I met my husband and quit the illegal substances, but I continued to use alcohol to hide who I really was because whenever I had exposed myself for who I really was in the past I was always met with rejection.

After giving up alcohol and other addictions that helped to hide the real me I found that sobriety was a nightmare because I began having to face rejection all over again.

I was rejected by several people at the institutional church we used to attend.
I felt rejected, whether perceived or real, from a person at AIM who I had tremendous respect for.
I was rejected by a couple from our house church.
And I am once again being rejected by my parents as I show them who I really am.

There is only so much rejection that a person can face sober. It is hard to maintain your identity in the face of all this rejection. As I grieved all of this rejection I asked my husband why he had not rejected me. I told him he is the only one, besides God, who has loved me for who I really am and I have only known that God loves me for who I am because of how my husband has loved me.

When my mother in law and my husband were at odds with each other never a few days would go by when my mother in law would not call...and this went on for months. I pointed out to my husband that at any point he could have called his mother and explained why he was hurt and she would listen...and vice versa. They were confused, hurt and at times mad with one another, but their relationship was never at stake.

I am not worth that to my parents and that is a pain I bear alone as not even my husband can understand what that is like. I may be worth a condemning email here and there, but I am not worth anything more than that to them...I am easily discarded when I refuse to tow the party line.

As I went for my run today I prayed for direction. God advised me to do a word search on rejection and the verse that spoke to me is found in Luke 6:

"Blessed are you when men hate you, when they exclude you and insult you and reject your name as evil, because of the Son of Man."

My parents can condemn, shame, and use God's word as a weapon till the day they die and that will not convince me that Jesus has not brought me to this place. They hate me, and they reject and exclude me because of the Son of Man and I don't have to answer for it anymore...they have to answer to my Father for their actions.

As I reflect on "The Shack" one of my favorite chapters is the one where God gives the main character a glimpse of heaven. He sees many people from a far off...but one person is unable to contain himself and we know this because colorful arcs of light are bouncing off of only him. As the main character gets closer the man who cannot contain himself runs to the main character and they embrace. The man who could not contain himself was the main character's father, and his father had abused him unmercilessly when he was just a boy. The main character had run away and his father had died and their was never any restitution or resolution while his father remained alive...but in heaven their was resolution and the restoration of relationship.

One day, in the reconciliation of all things, we will all know and we will all be known. I long for that day. I long for the day that things are on earth as they are in heaven...and for now the only thing that keeps me going, even as I grieve...is that God is especially fond of everyone...even those that have rejected me, those that are rejecting me, and those that will reject me.

"Because of the way God has made us, it is impossible finally and completely to deaden the soul. The soul will resurrect, in spite of the cruelty used to destroy it. It will pop up and then be slain again, return and be shoved down through contempt. The power to destroy the soul is NOT in the hands of satan, another human being, or even oneself."
~ Dr. Dan B. Allender ~ 'The Wounded Heart' pg 111

Isolation and abandonment

2009-06-01T11:47:00.004-05:00

This weekend a friend asked a question and it haunted me:

"If we were born for community why are we isolated by our own private hell?"

It is a question I have asked myself in a different way.

All sex with my husband is not equal. Once is a great while we can actually become one with each other while being intimate. We can not make those moments happen. They are a gift from God. I am unaware, during those times, of my individual self; I only know an us. In the deepest way I am communing with my husband, perfectly, and all is how it should be. The heaviness of isolation lifts and I experience oneness...I am no longer alone. When that perfect community comes to an end my individuality comes crashing down on me and it is so burdensome, so permeating, and so instantaneous that I begin to weep. I feel like a prisoner in my own body; freedom was granted for a small time so that I may experience something grander than myself. But perfect community, in this fallen place, cannot last forever. I must be returned to what was sought after in the garden: individuality and isolation...a cell.

Childhood, I believe, is when a person begins to notice that he or she has the possibility of feeling alone, even in a crowd. My mother did not allow for me to begin reckoning with isolation. I was my mother's and she was mine. I do not know if my mother had what I described above with my father while my brother and I were growing up...that is not for me to judge. I do know that my mother and I had a very unhealthy attachment. I met emotional needs for my mother that she should have only let my father meet. No, we did not have a sexual bond, but we were very intimate none the less. She used me to fill up her empty spaces. She called us "best friends" many times, and besides work and school, we were rarely, if ever, apart. I was her sidekick and she would be tremendously upset, to the point of rejection, if I dared to step outside the parameters she had set. My mother insisted that she know me inside and out and I had no choice but to oblige; in return, she was very open with me as well. I knew things about her relationships that no child should have to bear. The roles of adult and child were extremely blurred; there were no boundaries.

The other day she told me in no uncertain terms that she could never forget what I did to her when I rebelled from age eighteen through twenty. She confirmed that my rebellion was the reason that we could not have a good relationship even today...almost fifteen years later. At first I did not understand how spending just two years, a mere fraction of the time I spent being her constant companion, trying to figure out who I was could be so heinous. But, in light of isolation I am beginning to figure it out.

My mother has abandonment issues. She has told me a countless number of times how her mother would leave for several days only to come home smelling of sex and booze. She recounts having to go into the bars on several occasions to pull her mother out...I am not sure why her father made that her job, but nevertheless, from what I hear, it was. At a young age her parents got a divorce and although she loved her mother dearly, she had to choose her father because she did not trust her mother. This so infuriated her mother that she did not see my mother again until my mother asked to come live with her at the age of twenty after a bad break up with a fiance. At twenty, now an adult, my mother wanted to talk about the past with her mother in an attempt to heal, I assume. Her mother would have nothing to do with the discussion and would deny any hurt she had ever caused my mother.

I do not believe that my mother is angry with me for the things I did during those two years of my life, although those are what she likes to focus on. I believe that she is angry because she felt that I abandoned her. She was never able to heal from the abandonment of her past. She is angry because she allowed herself to love deeply once more only to feel abandoned once more. I am feeling the force of her anger for both scenarios.

What she does not realize is that her unhealthy relationship with me was doomed the moment she set it into motion. She should never have put that much stock in a mother daughter relationship; that level of need should have been reserved for her husband only. I was always the child bound to leave at some point in time and begin a new life with my spouse. Because of my mother's abandonment issues I was never given the blessing to leave. Instead I was smothered and I wriggled free in unhealthy ways...but I was never free.

Without my mother's blessing I have lived in the tension of trying to appease her and live my life at the same time. For my mental health and the health of my immediate family the time to appease her must come to an end; it was a worthless pursuit anyway since, after my choices, she refused to be appeased. I must learn to move forward without the continual seeking of her blessing. True to who she has always been, when I quit seeking her blessing she rejected me. Someone once told me that if I do not forgive my mother I will become her. I am seeing this play out in my own mother. My mother cannot forgive her mother. My mother now sits in denial of the hurt she has caused and is abandoning me.

Being

2009-05-29T11:05:00.008-05:00

A year and a half ago God revealed Himself to me in the middle of my addictive mess. He said: "I did not create you for this"

Today, as I was listening to "China" by Tori Amos I was reflecting on the fact that although the song is meant to be a love song, it is still very indicative of how I feel about the relationship I have with my mother.

As I sat looking out the window bathing my soul in beautiful lyrics I mourned a relationship that I thought I had, lost, and have been trying to get back for years. A tear slid down my cheek, and at that moment Jesus whispered into my ear: "This is what you were created for."

I picked up my book "The Wounded Heart" and began reading. God's perfectly timed affirmation and confirmation blew me away.

"Paul was willing to be poured out like a drink offering, to fight the good fight, and to finish the race, because he knew his hunger for the Lord's appearing would be rewarded with the prize of the Lord's commendation. To be greeted by the Lord with the prize of His "well done" embrace was a reward that supplanted the ordinary concerns for comfort.

The person who desires to deal with the wounds of past abuse will not feel courageous, nor will there be the immediate exaltation of starting out on a new journey; the bonds of the soul will not be quickly freed or broken. What, then, is the reason for moving toward the goal of God's embrace? Again the answer is a hunger for more. God has made us with a natural desire to be as He is: alive, righteous, pure, passionate, loving. To honor what God has called us to be is the reason a man or woman chooses the path of change."

I am changing my extended family's dynamic. I don't feel courageous, and immediate exaltation is definitely absent. My parents are not healthy, but when God placed me in my mother's womb He knew this day would come. He loves my parents much more than I do and He wants them healed. He has chosen to live out His courage in me as I stand against what is unhealthy for all of us. But I must cling to Him in order to to have the strength to carry out His will.

The path of least resistance for me is to run back and allow my mother to act like nothing ever happened until a time when it suites her to throw my behavior back in my face. We (my family) have all been in this place before, but we have never been any farther that this. The unknown is scary. I am facing an uphill battle as I trudge ahead into unfamiliar territory. Today my mantra will be: "Perfect love drives out fear"

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."
~ I John 4:18 ~"

Mom

2009-05-29T11:01:00.003-05:00

China Lyrics

China all the way to New York
I can feel the distance getting close
You're right next to me
But I need an airplane
I can feel the DISTANCE as you breathe

Sometimes I think you want me to touch you
How can I when you build a great WALL around you
In your eyes I saw a future together
You just look away in the distance

China decorates our table
Funny how the CRACKS don't seem to show
Pour the wine dear
You say we'll take a holiday
But we never can agree on where to go

Sometimes I think you want me to touch you
How can I when you build a great WALL around you
In your eyes I saw a future together
You just look away in the distance

China all the way to New York
Maybe you got lost in MEXICO
You're right next to me
I think that you can hear me
Funny how the distance learns to grow

Sometimes I think you want me to touch you
How can I when you build a great WALL around you
I can feel the distance
I can feel the distance
I can feel the distance getting close

I'm OK!

2009-05-28T22:19:00.006-05:00

God is so good and although at times He hurts us to heal us I am finding that He both affirms and confirms each step of the way.

On the day I first called my mother, God confirmed what I was feeling in a publication I read every morning:

"I grew up with mixed feelings of love for my parents. They both were generous and helpful at times, but bad things from others happened to me while I was under their watch. I was shaped by things beyond my control, and my love for them became a mixture of emotions - it was an inconvenient love filled with an unconscious resentment."
~ Lowell Martin - "Under The Morning Star"

I have read Mr. Martin's publication every morning now for the last 5 months and this was the first time that Mr. Martin had hinted at past abuse.

Tonight, as the relationship I had with my parents comes to a close I read this quote in "The Wounded Heart Workbook:"

"The process of change is rarely easy; the decisions at important forks in the road are not quickly clear" ~ Dr Allender ~ pg. 7

I am having a hard time not responding to my dad's email but I know it is the best decision. I do feel as though I am at a fork in the road; do I call, sweep my feelings under the rug once more, and beg for their mercy or do I cut my losses and go forward without them? The answer is in the following quote:

"The tragedy of abuse is manifold, but one singular tragedy is that abuse victims so often find themselves repeating patterns and reentering relationships where they are violated in ways that replay dimensions of the past abuse"~ Dr Allender "The Wounded Heart" pg 26

If I choose to respond to my dad's email in a way that causes me to sweep my feelings under the rug and beg for their mercy I am once again not living in the freedom that God is offering; instead I am repeating patterns of being invalidated every single time I expose my heart.

"The fruit of healing, freedom, and aliveness is not always happiness. Biblical change actually opens a new realm of service and worship that, at times, puts one at odds with relationships that were founded on our willingness to be sick, enslaved, or dead.
~ Dr Allender ~ "The Wounded Heart Workbook" pg 8

"One woman described the process of dealing with her abuse as a cure that at times seemed worse than the disease...'I am finding reality is more of a nightmare than it was when I lived in the deluded, distorted fog of self hatred.'"
~ Dr. Allender ~ " The Wounded Heart Workbook" pg. 7

Recently, I have found myself at odds in certain relationships; and since I have started this journey reality really does, at times, seem like more of a nightmare...

I feel as though God is saying it is OK to feel this way...it is normal...although I feel as if I am being driven crazy...I am not crazy.

Thank you sweet Jesus for being in this with me!!

When God Hurts Us

2009-05-27T23:44:00.012-05:00

"The best path is through the valley of the shadow of death. The crags of doubt and the valleys of despair offer a proving ground of God that no other terrain can provide. God does show Himself faithful; but the geography is often desert-dry and mountainous-demanding, to the point that the path seems to dangerous to face the journey ahead...the path involves the risk of putting into words the condition of our inner being and placing those words before God for His response...The obstacle to life is the conviction that God will damage and destroy us. The problem is that the path does involve His hurting us, but only in order to heal us"

I am being broken, dashed against the Cornerstone. I am proving God in the "crags of doubt" and the "valleys of despair." He is there, but it is a waiting game! Jesus is not like us; He does not rush through pain or bypass it altogether. He purposefully walks right into the center of it. He is unafraid. Jesus makes pain His home. He makes it ours too if we allow Him to take us there. The painful places are where He wants to go; they are where Jesus feels most at home. We are the ones who want a quick fix. Pain makes us uncomfortable. We want to hurry it up and sweep pain under the rug.

My mother never really had any friends. She kept everybody at arms length, eventually even me. For a time I knew her inside and out. I knew other people considered her a friend, but I also knew that she did not trust them. She had a beautiful facade and put on a glorious show but I knew who she really was. It was not that she was a bad person...when you are loved by her she is the most amazing person in the world. Growing up, she was spectacular, and others in her path thought so too. It was not that she did not get along with people it was that she did not trust them. When people would get to close or demand more from her than she was willing to give she would, without a word, pick up and silently move on. I am not sure she would be able to admit this to herself, even today.

My mother and I have had a very strenuous relationship for years now. She used to call me her best friend, but that was many years ago. she has since picked up and silently moved on and left me with only her shell. For a few years we enjoyed peace, but what I did not realize then was: The harmonious times would only last for about as long as I remained the person she wanted me to be. When I dressed the way she wanted me to dress, when I did the things she wanted me to do, when I dated who she wanted me to date, when I could be controlled and therefor trusted my life was filled to the brim with pleasantries. But, when I dared to step outside of her will I became uncontrollable and therefor incapable of being trusted. I quickly found out that my mother's love was conditional. Nothing has changed.

Today I do not get phone calls, although it is expected of me to call. when I can bring myself to call, which is not often enough, I can feel her keeping me at arms length and when I am in her presence the distance feels even worse. There are so many elephants in the room, so much pain and anger swept under the rug for the sake of niceties that the air is thick with tension.

I have recently told my mom that I want to start being honest about the things that hurt me hoping against hope that honesty might remove some of the tension. It was my sincere desire to find out, through truth telling, that I had somehow created her, in my head, to be a person that she was not. I assumed that by being honest about my feelings she would come through for me and I could then change how I saw my mother. This was not to be.

If I ever needed a mother, these past few weeks were the time. I called her on a Thursday at 2 a.m. to talk about some of the memories I was having. I was desperate for her solace. She was not supportive. She spoke words that stung rather than words of comfort and she cut me very deeply. I tried to be honest with her the next day and she only got more angry. I could not talk to her so I passed the phone to my husband hoping that he could somehow make her aware of the pain I was in. She continued to say hurtful things.

After I was out of treatment I sent her an email trying to explain my state of mind and why I was angry with her. She was unable to hear that. During a phone call she was quick to absolve herself of any guilt during the 2 a.m. call saying that she was not in the right state of mind at that time for that type of phone call. I told her I could understand that, but I wondered why, during a time when phone calling was more appropriate, she had said hurtful things about me to my husband. She never denied those for a minute all she could do was accuse him of betrayal. After blaming my husband for things that were not his she went on to say that she would never be able to forget the hurt I caused her for choices I made as a late teen finding my way through the pain of past abuse. As I hung up the phone I realized that the tension that had hung so thickly in the air for all those years was gone but to my surprise there was no longer a relationship underneath it.

Today I got an email from my dad making it very clear whose side he was on. I do not blame him really, but he also had to walk me through, in many paragraphs, why I was a bad daughter. He completely invalidated me and at one point even bolded, underlined, and in all caps said "shame on you." I couldn't believe my eyes. My heart began to race and I began to sweat. Time does heal wounds but the process takes longer when people keep ripping those wounds wide open. I had just begun to heal and make sense of yesterday's phone call when I received today's email.

After today we are being proactive and my husband, in an effort to protect me, has blocked their emails. The other day a friend informed me that God does not hurt us only fallen people do...but I will have to disagree. The relationship with my parents has been toxic for years and in the last few weeks has become unbearably painful. As of yesterday and today I have felt free of any need to continue a relationship with them, but that freedom came with a price tag and its price was pain.

Today, on Wrecked For the Ordinary, I read a timely piece titled "Love in the Midst of Pain." Kari Miller writes: "Why had love exposed my tender place only to leave it unprotected?"

Ms. Miller said it correctly. Jesus exposes our tender places only to leave them unprotected. Fallen people do hurt, but Jesus tenderizes the hard places and that belongs only to Him. He does this for freedom...not freedom from flesh and blood, but freedom from powers and principalities and that type of freedom is costly and its currency is pain.

Freedom From Guilt?

2009-05-27T12:06:00.014-05:00

I am reading a book, "The Wounded Heart" by Dr. Dan B. Allender. On page 13 Dr Allender states: "One of the central messages of most books on abuse, this one included, is freedom from the guilt of the past abuse." I excitedly underlined "freedom from the guilt of the past abuse" because I was hopeful, but then I read "What occurred is not your fault.", and I was crestfallen.

I do suffer from guilt, but, unlike most, maybe, I understand that the abuse was not my fault. I don't need anyone to comfort me in that way. I struggle with the continuation of the cycle. I struggle not with anger towards my abuser, but with anger towards people in general and my children specifically. I struggle a bit with OCD. I also struggle with depression when my OCD is unmanagable because I have small children running around. I struggle with control, and personal space. When people, besides my children, disturb the order of things I choose to not be around them which, I will admit, is very limiting, but, my kids, I cannot choose to avoid.

When my children disturb the order of things I find that sometimes I can control myself but at other times I just can't. I do things that I don't agree with and that, my reading friends, is what I want freedom from...and no, I don't just want freedom from the guilt of the things that I do...I want freedom from the things I do.

Please pray for me; I covet your prayers. I am being proactive. A friend of mine told me that people don't change until they find that they are in to much pain to continue on in the way they always have. I did not quite believe her because I was very aware that my anger has always caused me great pain and I have always believed the pain of it to be unbearable, but I could never change no matter how bad the hurt or how hard I tried.

That all changed on a Wednesday night two weeks ago (05/13/09.) I couldn't sleep. I was journaling about this most recent healing season I have entered, and a memory of past abuse grabbed me and yanked me back to my past. I woke my husband at 2 a.m. desperate not to be alone. I told him I was tired, tired of holding it all together by a single, bare thread. I was tired of not knowing when I was going to have a bad day. I was tired of desperately trying to behave myself when a bad day was upon me, and I was most tired of failing and doing and saying things that I regret to those I love most in this world. One of my biggest fears is that my little ones whom I love will in some way become like me and this cycle will continue for generations to come. I want to be the cycle breaker!

There have been days when I have not wanted to get out of bed, but I have done it anyway for the sake of the children. There are days when I wanted medication to ease the insanity and take the edge off, but I had none. There were days when I wanted to tear apart the house with my bare hands but I chose to yell and belittle instead. I felt as though I was my own worst enemy because I looked like I was doing just fine, but I wasn't. On Wed night I told my husband that I was tired of behaving, but that I didn't know how to stop. I didn't know how to just let go and so I wanted to die. Wednesday night was the first night I have ever been suicidal and I was in indescribable pain.

On Thursday we took the kids to their paternal grandparents house and we started looking for places to help me get well. On Saturday we settled for inpatient treatment at Linden Oaks hospital and I checked myself in. I was there for five days and they were well spent. Life on the outside was like finger nails on a chalk board everything around me was overstimulating to the point of absolute craziness.

Those five days taught me a lot about myself. On Thursday I was discharged to an outpatient program and aloud to return home in the evenings. After I have completed the outpatient program I will continue to see a therapist. I was able to see my three beautiful children over the holiday weekend in St Louis and I was overjoyed to spend some time with them. They will remain with their paternal grandparents for about two more weeks as I continue to stabilize.

I want freedom from abuse...both past and present.

Healing Crisis

2009-05-13T23:19:00.007-05:00

I was abused in a home daycare setting when I was very young. I never told anyone the extent of the abuse. I did not know how. I remember trying to convey to my mom that it was a mean place and that I did not like going...I was told repeatedly that my abusers loved me. When I brought this to my mother's attention several months ago she confided that she did remember my complaints but was under the assumption that I did not like discipline.

I do not talk about this much on here; truth be told I do not let it define me. Most of the time it does not even bother me.

I had repressed a lot of the abuse for many years...though not all of it. I have always had an extreme dislike for the family and whenever their name or that time period would come up I shuddered and hate would course through my entire body. I walked away with a few tangible memories. Later, those memories would solidify other experiences.

Several years back, when my oldest was a year old, my husband and I were in Arizona without her. We happened to be in our hotel room late at night watching a documentary on legal brothels in the United States. The content on the television along with the gnawing absence of my cute little girl led to my first "trigger" moment.

That night in our hotel room, for the first time in ages, my mind was forcefully yanked back to my youngest school aged years. I had a few very vivid memories of acting out abuse like scenarios on myself, my friends, and my little brother during sleep overs; there were a few times when my mom would walk in and catch me in the act red handed...those were the times that mothers were called and my friends were sent home. I was always lectured up one side and down the other after such events and told that good christian girls don't behave in that way. I did not know how to stop.

On one such occasion I made a tape with a friend as we acted out our drama in her room. Later, after I went home, my friend felt horribly guilty about what I made her do and played the tape for her mother. Her mom called my mom and wanted to come over and play the tape for her...I distinctly remember my friend's mom telling my mother that I knew way to much for someone my age. The tape mysteriously ended up destroyed and the meeting never happened. I often wonder now what might have happened had my mother heard the tape. At that point I feared for my life, and never thought myself so lucky as when the tape mysteriously disappeared, but now, as a mother myself, I often wonder if maybe, just maybe, had my mother been able to listen she would have realized that something was dreadfully wrong.

As I lay there frozen by my memories I began to put my little girl in my place and me in my mother's. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that if I had come up against all of my sexual exploits as my mother had mine and if the little girl that was participating in them belonged to me and not to her I would have ceased conveying that she was bad and that she should not behave in that manner...I would ask her what had happened and I would get help for her. I was mad at my mother for many years after I came to that conclusion because I could not talk to her about it. I felt very betrayed. I had indeed cried out for help and I was told that I was dirty. It was not until much later that I came to realize that as a mother in the twenty first century I had a lot more education on what to look for in an abuse victim than my mother ever had.

That hot Arizona night was the night this journey to uncover deeply buried secrets began and it has not ended. I find that moments like I had in Arizona come in waves and I am thankful that the cycles have distance between them. Once my mind is drug back to that place and time it takes a few weeks to recover, but I always emerge with more "evidence" than I had before. One night during an episode several years after the first, but still a few years back (my oldest was 4) I was so tired of being haunted by this that I begged God to help me get to the bottom of it or take the memories away completely. He was faithful to reveal the truth, although not right away. He had His work cut out for Him. He had to first get me to a place where I would allow Him to take the lead.

During the time after my little prayer my alcoholism grew steadily worse, as did other addictions, and the loathing of myself. It got so bad that I could not carry on a conversation with anyone without the "innocent" little cup of hidden booze. How I recovered from all of that is chronicled in this blog as my first post ever was the first time I confessed that I was an alcoholic and my journey goes on from there.

After only two months of sobriety I was flooded with another wave of memories brought on by the debriefing of an AIM psychologist after taking the Taylor Johnson test. I was aloud no numbing agent to ease the pain. At any other time I would have convinced my husband to buy a bottle of wine or two...he would have had half a glass and I would have drank the rest including whatever was left in his glass...I would have cried on his shoulder until I passed out. I would not have had the courage to do anything else. I was not in my right mind...I was scared.

Without the numbing agent I was in a lot of pain, but I was not scared. I was angry. I was ready to admit that the thoughts I was having were not something I had conjured up...they were real and I could not grow as a person until they were dealt with. I looked up my abuser with the help of Google and I stared at him for a very long time; that was the first time that doing anything like that occurred to me. Afterward I journaled like a mad woman until I was ready to confront my mother and the one thing that I refused to listen to anymore was that I was loved by my abuser. I needed her to know the full extent of what had happened and I needed her to acknowledge it. She did.

I am now a year later still dealing with the consequences of abuse. Just the other day I was reading a book "The Furious Longing of God" by Brennan Manning. I was caught of guard when a nun started telling her story of abuse in the book. My mind was once again yanked back to the past and the affirmation I received weighed on me like a ton of very heavy bricks.

I am in the midst of this healing crisis, it has not yet passed. I am not on the other side looking back at how much I have learned. I am moving out of the eye of the storm and although it is not quite so agonizing as the eye itself it is still a painful place to be. I know God is with me. I know He is healing me, and I know that sense will be made of all that has happened, if not in this life than the next...God has all of eternity.

Waiting.

2009-05-10T19:33:00.009-05:00

Kevin and I have been desperately seeking authentic community while we are still state side. To be blatantly honest it has been a lonely road; authentic community that lasts past the excitement of the "getting to know you" phase is extremely hard to find.

Last October Kevin and I went to investigate a long standing group of Christians living out community together in the city of Chicago; it wasn't what we were looking for. Soon after that we left institutional church and began fellowshipping in our home with a few couples; we had some good times, learned a lot, but we still found we had a deep longing for something different and we were not being filled even within that group.

Once again, finding ourselves in a very restless spot, we checked out another existing community within the Chicago land area, Reba Place. Grant it we are still in the "getting to know you" phase, but it is looking very promising. Kevin has always said that if he were ever to leave the Church's of Christ, it would be for a Mennonite community and we were pleasantly surprised and very pleased when we found out that that is exactly what Reba Place is...it was a confirmation of sorts.

Today was the second Sunday in a row that we attended Living Water, a church affiliated with Reba Place and pastored by one of its members. I am not a fan of pulpits and although Living Water is still filled with "pews" I heard some VERY promising things...things I have never heard from a pulpit in the church's that I have attended.

Living Water is looking for a new pastor, as the current pastor feels the Lord is moving her on. As she stood before the congregation sharing with them the interim plan, she asked fellow congregants to step up and fill her shoes by putting their name on a roster...but that was not all...what floored me was the plan to invite people to speak in their pulpit from other denominations so that they might learn something...WOW...the humility!! Other denominations that I have been a part of could really learn from that example. It seems refreshing to me to be growing closer to a community of people who are willing to admit that they don't have all the answers and are also willing to admit that they could learn something from people who don't see things quite the way they do.

"If God can forgive a host of sin why not a host of bad theology?"

We should really be asking ourselves, Why don't we want to hear anything different? What are we so afraid of?

The second thing that I heard and felt my spirit leap with joy for was that Living Water believes that the church is still growing and learning and that God is still revealing new things to the church via revelation. I know that it is easy to believe something with all your heart and then when faced with it resist it, but if Living Water lives this belief out than it is a place of freedom and not the frightening place I found my last church to be. Denominations exclude; they exclude people who do not subscribe to the same set of beliefs that they do...down to the littlest of jots and tittles. Living Water, from the pulpit at least, acknowledges that the Spirit is living and active and they seem to be receptive to Him breathing fresh new life into them...that is promising!

"Blessed are not the enlightened who's every question has been answered and who are delighted with their own sublime insight; the mature and ripe ones who's one remaining action is to fall from the tree. Blessed rather are the chaste, the harassed who must daily stand before my enigmas and cannot solve them."
~ Hans Urs von Balthasar ~

Last but not least, from the pulpit, violence and greed were not only denounced but it was said that an individual Christian who is growing in the Lord will need to denounce them as well...that sets a higher bar than the places I have been affiliated with. I received an email forward the other day filled with "great christian" bumper stickers against Obama. The sticker I found to be most shocking and egregious stated:

Warning.
I'm A Bitter Christian Clinging To My Gun

Sadly, most church's today are still believing that God's dream is the American dream. It's not!

I came home to the suburbs with a sad heart. I was sad that I could not stay in Rogers Park and experience what that community experiences on a daily basis. I get a taste and then I must go home. Sadly that is the season I am in right now. God gives me a fabulous taste of what He is doing...in Africa, in Lexington, in St. Louis, in Gainseville, and now in Rogers Park...but than I must return to the home that I am burdened with to do life on my own...the American dream way...because God is not ready to loosen our bonds yet.

In my sadness I did something I do not usually do. As I opened my Bible I asked God to allow me to land somewhere spontaneously that would be an encouragement to me. I opened to Isaiah 40:31:

But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

I am a in a season of waiting, but He is clearly waiting with me and He cares enough about me to personally speak into my life...that alone is encouraging and will sustain me.

Little Gifts

2009-05-08T23:41:00.005-05:00

"I say to you: Blessed is he who exposes himself to an existence never brought under mastery; who does not transcend but rather abandons himself to my ever transcending grace. Blessed are not the enlightened who's every question has been answered and who are delighted with their own sublime insight; the mature and ripe ones who's one remaining action is to fall from the tree. Blessed rather are the chaste, the harassed who must daily stand before my enigmas and cannot solve them. Blessed are the poor in spirit - those who lack a spirit of cleverness. Whoa to the rich and whoa to the doubly rich in spirit, although nothing is impossible with God, it is difficult for the Spirit to move their fat hearts. The poor are willing and easy to direct; like little puppies they do not take their eyes from the Master's hand to see if perhaps He may throw them a little morsel from His plate. So carefully do the poor follow my promptings that they listen to the wind which blows where it pleases even when it changes. From the sky they can read the weather and interpret the signs of the times. My grace is unpretentious, but the poor are satisfied with little gifts."
~ Hans Urs von Balthasar ~

* Quoted in "The Furious Longing of God" of Brennan Manning