Thursday, June 18, 2009

Vindication.

9:32 AM by Christi Bowman

My oldest home-schooler and I are in Matthew 17 this week.

• ^1-3 Six days later, three of them saw that glory. Jesus took Peter and the brothers, James and John, and led them up a high mountain. His appearance changed from the inside out, right before their eyes. Sunlight poured from his face. His clothes were filled with light. Then they realized that Moses and Elijah were also there in deep conversation with him.
• ⁴Peter broke in, "Master, this is a great moment! What would you think if I built three memorials here on the mountain-one for you, one for Moses, one for Elijah?"
• ⁵While he was going on like this, babbling, a light-radiant cloud enveloped them, and sounding from deep in the cloud a voice: "This is my Son, marked by my love, focus of my delight. Listen to him."
  

What vindication!!!

I must admit that I LONG for vindication. David screamed for vindication in the Psalms so I am unashamed of my desire for it! On Wednesday I wrote about my wish for God to be in me like He was in Jesus...

Wouldn't it be so neat if God were to orchestrate a meeting with my parents in which He enveloped us all in a cloud and then said about me...

"This is my daughter, marked by my love, focus of my delight. Listen to her."

But then again...Jesus did not take his enemies to His transfiguration did He?

Ecclesiastes 3:1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven

I Corinthians 15:51 ...we shall all be changed.

Labels: vindication

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Sinking.

8:00 AM by Christi Bowman

My husband and I did some Christian counseling in Iowa on Monday. They asked why we had come and after I told them my story they asked if the counselors I had seen here, in Illinois, had reported the abuse to the authorities. I was shocked by the question. Throughout this whole process I have never once allowed myself to entertain the possibility of prosecution.

On the same day we drove to Iowa I also received an email from my father. He had contacted my abuser. My abuser's wife denied all allegations while incriminating themselves at the same time. My parents, as usual, made it clear that they were going to believe my abusers instead of me and even allowed a friendship to reignite with them in the process.

After my father made it clear that if I could not prove any abuse then I and my allegations were worthless, I was devastated. After our visit to Iowa, for the first time, I was given hope that I just might be able to prove the abuse I had endured. My husband and I went home and looked up California law. What we found was confusing, but we did manage to get a phone number for the San Diego police department.

I nervously dialed the San Diego police department on Wednesday and they gave me the number to the sex crimes unit. I once again dialed the number. I explained my situation and was directed to a Sargent. He asked for my story and then he dashed all of my hopes; sexual abuse has a twenty year statute of limitations in California. I am seven years past any hope of an investigation.

After the phone call ended I was thrown into a deep depression. I hurt so bad. I asked God why it must hurt like this and His answer was convicting. I had put my hope in the police department. In that moment I knew what Peter must have felt like as he quickly sunk into the water as soon as he took his eyes off of Jesus. I sunk today and it has taken me a while to recover.

Labels: abuse

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Wednesday, June 17, 2009

A Limp.

8:45 AM by Christi Bowman

Some people live in a constant state of physical pain...for others the constant reminder that this world is fallen is much more prevalent on an emotional level.

I have a thorn in my soul. I walk around with a gigantic gaping wound that bleeds profusely and yet everyday I must get up and walk around; most days I must put one foot in front of the other as if the wound is not really there...and that is hard to do...and so I limp.

To the naked average eye I am no worse for the wear, but I am not the same person that I was even one short month ago. Life is different with a constant ever present wound even if the puss that oozes from it stays tucked away deep down under the surface of my skin.

I find that in this constant state of agony I am more sympathetic towards humanity as a whole, but I am much less fond of being alive. This world has lost its wonder...its intrigue. I feel as though I am standing silently by as life's appeal melts before my very eyes.

In this state I think often of God clothed in skin, and on some level I know that what God did in Jesus is so much more profound than we as mere human beings posses the depth to realize.

JESUS BEAT THIS PLACE!!

Sometimes I find myself wishing God would help me as much as He helped Jesus.

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Thursday, June 11, 2009

'The Wounded Heart': A book review of sorts

12:40 PM by Christi Bowman

I just finished 'The Wounded Heart,' a book with sexual abuse as its subject matter; it was very sensitively written by Dr. Dan B. Allender. 'The Wounded Heart' was not easy to read; at times I found myself sickened to the point of literal nausea as I found in its pages, my story, written with disturbing eloquence. Even with its difficult content, I highly recommend it to those who have suffered abuse, of any type, in their lifetime; I would also recommend it to those who do not have abuse in their past, but would like to better understand those people who do.

These are a few of my highlights:

"In most cases, sexual abuse is not an event that occurs out of the blue...by someone who lurks in the bushes. Only eleven percent of all sexual abuse is perpetrated by a stranger. The vast majority of sexual abuse occur in relationship with a family member (29%) or with a known non family member (60%)." pg 86

"Many abuse victims are prone to deny the shortcomings of their own homes. The most obvious reason is that whatever was typical is viewed as normal. Chances are, however, that the two factors that are essential to a happy home were absent in the victim's. The first factor is a sense of being enjoyed for who one is rather than for what one does. Many abuse victims were enjoyed for being the adultified child, but that kind of appreciation leaves the hungry heart untouched. A second factor is a respect of one's being that permits opportunity to develop uniqueness and separateness from other members of the family.

The role distortion tears away a child's childhood and replaces it with adult burdens that are too heavy to lift, but must be carried if the child is to enjoy any benefits of life or love in the dysfunctional home. The forsaking of childhood begins the long process of giving up the soul in order to taste a few crumbs of life.

The role confusion is further complicated by repeated violations of the child's boundaries and individual rights. Boundaries are appropriate lines that rightfully separate one's inner and outer world from the domain of others. They provide a sense of uniqueness and independence and help a person orient who he or she is in contrast to who others are." (pg 87 & 88)

"A person who has been abused will likely have grave difficulty comprehending the boundary issues that many of us take for granted. The right to decide within limits what we wear to work or school, where we worship, or whether we have the freedom to say no to a request are issues that are often confusing for those who have not been allowed to form and experiment with their own boundary choices.

Other boundary violations occur when a parent tells a child that her feelings are wrong, crazy, or nonexistent...The denial or rejection of emotions or thoughts violate the privacy and sanctity of a child's inner world. A child likely will question the validity of her perception, making the cost of trusting her intuition exorbitantly high.

So far the home of the victim has produced relational hunger, a sense of being needed but nevertheless demeaned, while making it difficult for the child to trust her perceptions and feelings. The atmosphere is also demanding, conservative, and rule bound. The highest family value is loyalty: always faithful, no matter the cost, to protect the family from attack and shame. The hook is often put deep into the child's psyche: "No one will love you but me. If you tell anyone what goes on in this home, I will die, or you will lose all opportunity to find love. You won't be believed. People will hate you, doubt you, and blame you for hurting your parents." Seldom are the words spoken so clearly. The unstated rule is assumed and infused into the family psyche like flouride in the public water system.

The scene is set for abuse. The child is (to some degree) empty, alone, committed to pleasing, boundary-less, burdened, and bound to a family or a parent whose desire becomes the bread of hope for the hungry child. The two key words are empty and dependent." (pg 88 & 89)

"A parent does not need to know about or suspect sexual abuse to betray a child. A third form of nonoffending betrayal comes as a result of the victim having no place to turn once abuse has occurred because of the parent's character weakness.

In all three forms of nonoffending betrayal the parent(s) chose the route of personal comfort or self-protection over the parental privilege and responsibility of providing a safe environment for their child. The damage may vary due to the type and intensity of betrayal, but in all cases the damage will be profound." pg 124

Both of my parents admit to knowing that something was not right. While I was asking my mom about some of the memories I was having she stated that she knew I was not fond of the home where daycare was provided but it was her opinion that I just did not like discipline. Much more recently my dad also acknowledged his awareness that my abuser was indeed an abusive person but he said that the abuser was to well known in our church community and my dad did not want to risk his reputation by "rocking the boat." My parents definitely chose the route of personal comfort and self protection.

"When a victim of sexual abuse feels powerless, she will see herself as weak and incompetent. When she feels betrayed, her core image will reflect these questions: "Why did the abuser treat me so badly? Why was I not loved and protected?"

Many men and women have wept angry tears over the fact that their parents spent more time washing the car, tending the garden, or perfecting a golf swing than facing and dealing with their wounded heart." (pg 130)

For my mom it was her job she cared for more than my wounded heart, and for my dad it was sports, mostly via the television, and sci fi.

"The experience of being used and discarded provokes images of being undesirable and ugly...It should come as no surprise, then, that someone who has been sexually abused will develop strong contempt and obsessive self-consciousness about his or her body." (pg 130)

"The normal work of the Holy Spirit produces crippled warriors who are used because of their brokenness, weakness, and powerlessness, and not because their struggle-free existence draws good press and large crowds

God's path is paradoxical. We are drawn to Christ because we want life, and life more abundant. He gives us life that leads to abundance via brokenness, poverty, persecution, and death. The life he invites us to lead causes us to lose ourselves so that we can find ourselves, to lose our life so that we can have life. The servants He often uses are young, ill-equipped, and unwilling. The path He takes His servants on in unexpected, perilous, and often unchosen. The scriptures promise ultimate health and wealth, but the path to such enjoyment is not what most of us envision or naturally choose. Paul was left with his "thorn in the flesh,"his path included untold suffering, poverty, and trial, and his earthly life ended with his execution as a sacrifice poured out for our sake. The specifics of Paul's life may not be ours, but the path of weakness and foolishness is the same, if we want to live out the call of Christ." (pg 147)

The battle continues. The growing man or woman will continue to drink deeply from the cup of honesty, repentance, and bold love. Each cycle in the process will strengthen conviction, weaken contempt, and dependent he hunger for more God.

Some days the taste of life will be bitter. Other days it will be sweeter than any honey and more intoxicating than any wine. Drinking from the water that wells up to eternal life will satisfy more deeply than words can express. The few rich tastes of God-given joy are worth the long, hard work of dealing with memories, rage, lonliness, and fear. In so doing we wmulate Paul as a drink-offering, poured out for the sake of our friends, family, and strangers, as we eagerly await Christ's return and the crown of righteousness well worth the battle fought and endured." (pg 230 & 231)

Labels: abuse, healing

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Wednesday, June 10, 2009

He has Overcome!

4:48 PM by Christi Bowman

My oldest daughter and I read a chapter in the Bible and then she picks a verse that stands out to her and she writes it down. This is a reading and writing assignment for home school. She has chosen to read through Matthew, and this week has brought us to chapter 16.

Today my heart was pierced and laid open as I read verses 8-11:

You surely don't have much faith! Why are you talking about not having any bread? ⁹Don't you understand? Have you forgotten about the five thousand people and all those baskets of leftovers from just five loaves of bread? ¹⁰And what about the four thousand people and all those baskets of leftovers from only seven loaves of bread? ¹¹Don't you know by now that I am not talking to you about bread?

Fretting about the "little" things equals little faith. It is hard to keep from fretting about the "little" things. When the "little" things are fret worthy they do not seem so little.

Jesus asked them why they were worried about bread; then He asked them to remember the other two times when bread had been the problem. The lack of bread was not what Jesus wanted to be talking about, but He took the time to point out that their worry over bread was worthless for He had already overcome it, twice.

In John He tells us not to worry for He has overcome the world (John 16:33.)

HE HAS OVERCOME THE WORLD!!

I cannot begin to comprehend what that means. But I hear Him asking me as He did His disciples...

"Don't you understand??"

Labels: faith, John, Matthew, overcoming

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Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Buried Treasure.

3:36 PM by Christi Bowman

"And this I pray, that your love may abound yet more and more in knowledge (greek: discernment) and in all judgment (greek: perception); That ye may approve things that are excellent (greek: differ, surpass, more value)...Being filled with the fruits of righteousness, which are by Jesus Christ, unto the glory and praise of God." ~ Philippians 1:9-10a-11 ~

As our love abounds we become more discerning and perceptive so that we may approve (or allow) things that differ, things that surpass, and things that are of more value.

I like word studies, it is like searching for buried treasure.

I have a very generous orthodoxy. I accept things as true that would make many of my institutional church brothers and sisters cringe, but I like the fruit.

Verses like Philippians 1:9 & 10 make me extremely happy as I feel they give me permission to go deeper and believe in a much more compassionate Jesus.

Labels: generous orthodoxy

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Monday, June 8, 2009

Ruin or Salvation?

4:27 PM by Christi Bowman

I am learning, in a hands on sort of way, that the words enemy/adversary are not necessarily evil nor do they only stand for evil people. An enemy/adversary can be someone who opposes you over a long period of time or just for a moment. An enemy/adversary can be a family member, a friend, an acquaintance.

My parents have become my adversaries. They are not evil people. They are hurting me, but I am choosing to believe that it is not malicious. They firmly believe that what they say and the expectations that they have are right. I disagree.

My parents are choosing to not speak to me right now, and although I am choosing to not see their behavior as malicious, there actions still cause me a lot of grief. I continue to second guess myself. I could call my parents, sweep things under the rug, and go back to the way things were, but maintaining the status quo would be unhealthy. Still, knowing that I could end this polarization with a phone call, at times, seems like the best option...and then I read a few verses in Philippians (1:6 & 28-29) and I know that God is with me.

I am unable to resolve relations with my family at this time and it feels like a big gaping wound that will not heal, but I am right where He wants me to be and there is grace in this place.

"He which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ:

And in nothing terrified by your adversaries: which is to them an evident token of perdition, but to you of salvation, and that of God.

For unto you it is given in the behalf of Christ, not only to believe on him, but also to suffer for his sake;"

When people clash it may seem to your adversary like you are ruined or lost (perdition) but in all actuality what looks like your ruin or loss to men, is your salvation to God.

My parents cannot fathom that being outside a relationship with them just might be my salvation. They can only view me and my decisions as wrong or bad. This face off of sorts is so very painful but verse 29 of Philippians 1 says that we are to suffer for His sake.

God is doing something within my family right now. He is doing something within me. He is faithful and He will finish what He started. If, while He is finishing what He started, things, for a time, look bleak, who am I to halt the process just so that I may feel better for a few moments?

What looks like loss and ruin is my salvation through suffering.

Labels: Philippians 1

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