Thursday, June 11, 2009

'The Wounded Heart': A book review of sorts

12:40 PM by Christi Bowman

I just finished 'The Wounded Heart,' a book with sexual abuse as its subject matter; it was very sensitively written by Dr. Dan B. Allender. 'The Wounded Heart' was not easy to read; at times I found myself sickened to the point of literal nausea as I found in its pages, my story, written with disturbing eloquence. Even with its difficult content, I highly recommend it to those who have suffered abuse, of any type, in their lifetime; I would also recommend it to those who do not have abuse in their past, but would like to better understand those people who do.

These are a few of my highlights:

"In most cases, sexual abuse is not an event that occurs out of the blue...by someone who lurks in the bushes. Only eleven percent of all sexual abuse is perpetrated by a stranger. The vast majority of sexual abuse occur in relationship with a family member (29%) or with a known non family member (60%)." pg 86

"Many abuse victims are prone to deny the shortcomings of their own homes. The most obvious reason is that whatever was typical is viewed as normal. Chances are, however, that the two factors that are essential to a happy home were absent in the victim's. The first factor is a sense of being enjoyed for who one is rather than for what one does. Many abuse victims were enjoyed for being the adultified child, but that kind of appreciation leaves the hungry heart untouched. A second factor is a respect of one's being that permits opportunity to develop uniqueness and separateness from other members of the family.

The role distortion tears away a child's childhood and replaces it with adult burdens that are too heavy to lift, but must be carried if the child is to enjoy any benefits of life or love in the dysfunctional home. The forsaking of childhood begins the long process of giving up the soul in order to taste a few crumbs of life.

The role confusion is further complicated by repeated violations of the child's boundaries and individual rights. Boundaries are appropriate lines that rightfully separate one's inner and outer world from the domain of others. They provide a sense of uniqueness and independence and help a person orient who he or she is in contrast to who others are." (pg 87 & 88)

"A person who has been abused will likely have grave difficulty comprehending the boundary issues that many of us take for granted. The right to decide within limits what we wear to work or school, where we worship, or whether we have the freedom to say no to a request are issues that are often confusing for those who have not been allowed to form and experiment with their own boundary choices.

Other boundary violations occur when a parent tells a child that her feelings are wrong, crazy, or nonexistent...The denial or rejection of emotions or thoughts violate the privacy and sanctity of a child's inner world. A child likely will question the validity of her perception, making the cost of trusting her intuition exorbitantly high.

So far the home of the victim has produced relational hunger, a sense of being needed but nevertheless demeaned, while making it difficult for the child to trust her perceptions and feelings. The atmosphere is also demanding, conservative, and rule bound. The highest family value is loyalty: always faithful, no matter the cost, to protect the family from attack and shame. The hook is often put deep into the child's psyche: "No one will love you but me. If you tell anyone what goes on in this home, I will die, or you will lose all opportunity to find love. You won't be believed. People will hate you, doubt you, and blame you for hurting your parents." Seldom are the words spoken so clearly. The unstated rule is assumed and infused into the family psyche like flouride in the public water system.

The scene is set for abuse. The child is (to some degree) empty, alone, committed to pleasing, boundary-less, burdened, and bound to a family or a parent whose desire becomes the bread of hope for the hungry child. The two key words are empty and dependent." (pg 88 & 89)

"A parent does not need to know about or suspect sexual abuse to betray a child. A third form of nonoffending betrayal comes as a result of the victim having no place to turn once abuse has occurred because of the parent's character weakness.

In all three forms of nonoffending betrayal the parent(s) chose the route of personal comfort or self-protection over the parental privilege and responsibility of providing a safe environment for their child. The damage may vary due to the type and intensity of betrayal, but in all cases the damage will be profound." pg 124

Both of my parents admit to knowing that something was not right. While I was asking my mom about some of the memories I was having she stated that she knew I was not fond of the home where daycare was provided but it was her opinion that I just did not like discipline. Much more recently my dad also acknowledged his awareness that my abuser was indeed an abusive person but he said that the abuser was to well known in our church community and my dad did not want to risk his reputation by "rocking the boat." My parents definitely chose the route of personal comfort and self protection.

"When a victim of sexual abuse feels powerless, she will see herself as weak and incompetent. When she feels betrayed, her core image will reflect these questions: "Why did the abuser treat me so badly? Why was I not loved and protected?"

Many men and women have wept angry tears over the fact that their parents spent more time washing the car, tending the garden, or perfecting a golf swing than facing and dealing with their wounded heart." (pg 130)

For my mom it was her job she cared for more than my wounded heart, and for my dad it was sports, mostly via the television, and sci fi.

"The experience of being used and discarded provokes images of being undesirable and ugly...It should come as no surprise, then, that someone who has been sexually abused will develop strong contempt and obsessive self-consciousness about his or her body." (pg 130)

"The normal work of the Holy Spirit produces crippled warriors who are used because of their brokenness, weakness, and powerlessness, and not because their struggle-free existence draws good press and large crowds

God's path is paradoxical. We are drawn to Christ because we want life, and life more abundant. He gives us life that leads to abundance via brokenness, poverty, persecution, and death. The life he invites us to lead causes us to lose ourselves so that we can find ourselves, to lose our life so that we can have life. The servants He often uses are young, ill-equipped, and unwilling. The path He takes His servants on in unexpected, perilous, and often unchosen. The scriptures promise ultimate health and wealth, but the path to such enjoyment is not what most of us envision or naturally choose. Paul was left with his "thorn in the flesh,"his path included untold suffering, poverty, and trial, and his earthly life ended with his execution as a sacrifice poured out for our sake. The specifics of Paul's life may not be ours, but the path of weakness and foolishness is the same, if we want to live out the call of Christ." (pg 147)

The battle continues. The growing man or woman will continue to drink deeply from the cup of honesty, repentance, and bold love. Each cycle in the process will strengthen conviction, weaken contempt, and dependent he hunger for more God.

Some days the taste of life will be bitter. Other days it will be sweeter than any honey and more intoxicating than any wine. Drinking from the water that wells up to eternal life will satisfy more deeply than words can express. The few rich tastes of God-given joy are worth the long, hard work of dealing with memories, rage, lonliness, and fear. In so doing we wmulate Paul as a drink-offering, poured out for the sake of our friends, family, and strangers, as we eagerly await Christ's return and the crown of righteousness well worth the battle fought and endured." (pg 230 & 231)

Labels: abuse, healing

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Wednesday, April 22, 2009

It Still Lies

3:27 PM by Christi Bowman

It has been a long time since I have been able to carve out a significant amount of time long enough to sit and listen to a favorite teacher of mine, Andrew Wommack. There are a few things Mr. Wommack talks about that I must tuck away until I am ready to deal with them. One of those things I took out and tested the other night and I would like to piece together my experience.

Andrew Wommack was talking about believing in the complete healing power of the Holy Spirit when he chose to make an example of the alcoholic. He warned against continuing to call oneself an alcoholic as that was to presume that their were still active issues and that God had not been faithful to completely heal.

This concept resonated with me as I do feel I was miraculously healed from the disease they call alcoholism. I know what it is like to white knuckle sobriety and want with every fiber in my being to take a drink fully aware of the consequences if I did. I suffered through that with the occasional relapse from December of 07 to March of 08, and I acknowledge that many people never conquer this phase.

In March God led me to a verse, which led to my first blog post, which led to an outright confession and what I believe to be a miraculous healing of my body. I ceased craving any alcohol and I was content with my decision to quit drinking completely. I discussed this rarity with an AIM counselor as he was helping me work through some issues via the phone. He gave me a glimmer of hope that this could be completely over when he stated that as people deal with the deep seated issues that caused alcoholism to flare up it is not uncommon for the cravings to disappear completely.

That conversation took place in June of 08 and I probably heard Mr Wommack make an example out of the alcoholic in either late fall or early winter. Despite this information I chose to remain sober although my resolve was loosening. I did not envision participating in the binge drinking of my past; instead I fancied the relaxing properties of a nice glass of wine in the evening with my husband. I began placing the idea in my husband's head but he was not the fan of it I was. He had not talked with the counselor nor did he care about what Andrew Wommack had to say. His resolve was as firm as ever, but true to who he is he never forced sobriety upon me. When I would not relent he would offer to go and buy me the wine of my choosing but he was adamant that I would be drinking alone. I did not want to drink alone and so March of 09 came and went and I found myself completely sober, only by the grace of God, for a whole year.

As time went on I became more persistent about the glass of wine and at times my persistence would bother me as I had to ask myself why, if I did not have a problem, did I care so much about one glass of wine? Truth be told I was curious as to what it would be like to share a nice glass of wine with my husband without the pressing urge to drown all of my anger and pain in the whole bottle.

There are no words to describe the wonderful patience of my husband. Maybe he sensed that there could be some healing in one glass of wine or at the very least some insight, but no matter what he thought, he chose to lay his apprehensions aside and share in a glass of wine. As I raised the glass to my lips I was surprised at the feeling of butterflies fluttering around in my stomach. I acknowledged that fourteen months was quite an accomplishment and I wasn't sure that I wanted to break this long string of sobriety. I decided that I had never been to an AA meeting to deal with my own alcoholism and so I wasn't in it for the chips. I didn't want my long string of sobriety to become my god. I wanted to decide once and for all if wine was something that I could enjoy responsibly and with restraint. I am not opposed to the occasional drink with friends where other people are concerned nor have I ever been. I now stand opposed to using alcohol to the extent that it causes drunkenness, but that was not what I was after and I knew that from the bottom of my heart.

With the first sip down and the long stint broken my husband and I began to ease into our respective glasses of wine. We began to talk as if we did this sort of thing all the time and there had never been a problem. However, as I neared the bottom of my glass the old feelings returned and tears began to roll down my cheeks. When God told me that I was to quit drinking He used Genesis 3:3, and for the first time, as I write this, I understand that it was no accident that He compared my alcohol addiction to the fruit that hung from the tree of good and evil.

I was surprised to find that evening that when I drink instead of dulling the ache inside of me it actually awakens me to it. I was not aware of this when I stopped drinking because I was entrenched in it, but after removing myself from it for a year I was more able to put a finger on what I was experiencing than I ever could have before.

Every day I carry around with me on a subconscious level a huge burden of pain and all though I know its source, because of repression, there are some things that I will never know. God has been faithful and allows me to live out my life with very little knowledge of the emotional pain that lies deep within my psyche as long as I remain sober. I know that many psychologists seek to bring into the open that which their patients have repressed but I believe that repression can also be God's band aid and some things are not meant to be remembered. Satan can only do what God allows him to do and for some reason, even while drinking, satan has never been allowed to bring to remembrance that which God has allowed me to repress, however, that does not mean that satan cannot use the euphoric feeling of even one glass of wine to bring to my conscience the large amount of pain that I exist in.

I was surprised to find that once again in this semi euphoric state (I must be a cheap date) all I could think about was my last sip, although I was in a large amount of pain I found myself wanting to go deeper and the only way I could do that was to have more alcohol. I was once again believing that only in this state can I fully know and be fully known. There is probably some truth to that and that is why alcohol will be to me forever alluring, but not all things that are knowable are supposed to be known...at least not yet...and so although I am completely healed I have found that I will need to continue to stay away because it still lies.

Labels: alcoholism, emotional pain, healing, relapse

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